I feel like I can't remember anything

[MattB]

Daisy left us in August, she had been living with kidney disease for 18 months but well managed with diet. Her back legs had been getting weaker and our vet suggested Librela - I don't blame anyone or anything but the evening of her first injection she had a massive decline, her whole face changed and we wondered if it was a stroke. In the morning she was unsteady, uncomfortable and I knew it was time. She left very peacefully, held out her paw to the vet (and she hated HATED anyone touching her paws) and I swear I felt the fluttering of wings as she closed her eyes. 

I feel like there's something wrong with me emotionally - my dogs have been my world for the past 8 years and since Charlie left 18 months and Daisy in August, I've barely spoken their names. It's like they are in a part of my brain I can't access, I look at photos on the wall and they feel like strangers, I can't remember much about the 2 walks EVERY SINGLE DAY for the past 8 years, or sleeping on the floor with Daisy for the last year because her back was bad and I didn't want her trying to get to my bed upstairs, or cleaning their teeth every night. I sometimes cooked 4 times a day for Daisy during periods where she went off her food would only eat freshly cooked food and sometimes would only eat from my hand for weeks at a time. I can remember all the love and sometimes just cry spontaneously at the emptiness, but the day to day things feel like they've just gone and though it's only been 2 months it's like it was years ago. I don't know if this is a protective mechanism because it's just too painful. 

Do other people have this? I feel quite ashamed to even write this. I hear people talking about little details of life with their hounds and if feels like I'm forgetting everything. 

[GreyPoopon]

Each of us handles grief differently. I too am in the "don't think about the details too much" camp.

 

ETA: For what it's worth, I've lost several dogs to kidney disease. A couple of them--one in particular--crashed quite suddenly. It may not be typical but it does happen.

Edited November 10, 2022 by GreyPoopon

[JerseyGirlInOz]

I lost my boy to osteo quite suddenly and completely unexpectedly in June, and I still can't bring myself to look a photos or watch videos of him. It hit me harder than I ever could have imagined 

[Time4ANap]

It took me quite a while to be able to look at pics of Rocket and I couldn't watch his videos for a really long time. We've had a parade of seniors and some dogs in rough shape through here since, and while it never gets easier to lose one, I find that I don't dwell on or think about those little details either. After a few months, I did find that I could laugh again about something one of them did  - sucn as Kate who was so proud of herself for strewing the trash from our Whataburger dinner all over the kitchen. She raided the trash can the next day while we were gone. We still have the locking trash can in honor of Kate. 

It takes time, and I don't think there's any one thing I can tell you that would really help immediately, but give it all the time you need. Eventually you will find yourself telling a story about one of them and laughing at their antics like you did when they were here. It caught me by surprise when it finally happened. It is okay to miss them, but it is also okay to not think about it if you're not ready to. 

Edited November 10, 2022 by Time4ANap
werds are hard

[BatterseaBrindl]

 to all those grieving, whether either be a day, a month or years

[FiveRoooooers]

I knew that I would never remember a lot of things too and decided early that I would write down as much as I could in the campers' tributes. It helps to reread them, especially when I'm having a moment and that wave we are all familiar with washes over me. If/when you feel up to it maybe starting a journal would help. Keep a notepad next to your bed or where you sit during the day and jot down anything that comes to mind. It can be months later that a memory shines through, and I add it then to to our stories.

<I can remember all the love...>  If you are remembering this, however, then you are remembering the most important of memories. 

[racindog]

I agree with everything above. Time, possibly journaling memories, and so on.  Try to seek peace. They will be with you always.    Like one of the posters above pointed out we all grieve differently and it is normal.  I have found the biggest help for me is to lean on other dogs/the pack because they understand and somehow bring healing. 

 

[Rosie]

Be gentle with yourself, this is the way you're managing the pain of your grief and it's totally fine. You still love them like you did when they were here but you're filtering that a bit while you learn to cope with the new normal. It's been just over a year since I lost Rosie and my process seems to be some tears every day, but the funny things are popping into my head more often and I'm now able to tell people about them without ending up a blubbering mess. Everyone's process is the right one if it's helping you function. Big hugs. I enjoyed your stories of your two. 

[macoduck]

Matt, I still have flashbacks to my Mazy’s death after horrible weeks of suffering that no specialist could diagnose.

All it takes is hearing a dog scream to bring me back to those days.

Only greyhound people understand it. Non-dog friends and coworkers thought I was nuts.

Consider Greytalk your safe place. Consider our dogs to be your dogs too.   

[MP_the4pack]

 

I'm like FiveRoooooers. I write down everything I can when I lose one. It takes days, sometimes weeks for me to get what I hope is everything. 

I have 12 at the Bridge now. It doesn't seem to get any easier but I do lean on my other dogs when I lose one.

Edited November 11, 2022 by MP_the4pack

[greysmom]

Grief is a strange emotion.  Uniquely tied to both our everyday lives and to our overall mental health.  Everyone has to find their own way through to refind the balance in their lives and there's no right way or better way.  Only your way.  

Give yourself time and patience and space to do this really hard thing.  All of the above suggestions can be helpful, and you might need to try different things to find what works for you.  Get out, get some exercise, volunteer, start a new hobby, take dance lessons - do something fun and different that engages you.  

Just remember that grief can also be - like many strong emotions - a black hole that we oftentimes need help to get out of.  Joining a pet loss support group, or even just finding a good friend to listen, can be not just useful, but needed.  Someone to offer an ear, a shoulder, objectivity, perspective, compassion.  It's not a failure of any kind if you decide you need more professional help for all that.

Unlike other difficult emotions - anger, frustration, hate - grief is always with us.  We never really move through it and leave it behind.  How do you leave behind such a huge part of your memories and life??  So it needs a different solution to get to the place where you can live with your grief and also live your life moving forward in a positive way.

We've all been where you are now.  {{{hugs}}}

[LBass]

Quote

<I can remember all the love...>  If you are remembering this, however, then you are remembering the most important of memories. 

Jan said the most important truth. 

Grief is such a grim and personal emotion and we each handle it differently.  I think that the memories will come for you when your mind and body are ready to face and process them.  Trust yourself and the reality of the love you very clearly shared with and for your beloved hounds. I'm so very sorry for your losses.

[LBass]

Duplicate post.  Sorry.

Edited November 14, 2022 by LBass

[MattB]

Thanks so much everyone - and sorry for the lack of response, I had written a note of gratitude and for some reason I hadn't submitted properly. Feels like I want to sleep for a week now (which I can't do at the moment - small child) but I have started a list of memories. It's the day to day I want to remember the most, where Daisy lay, how she let me know when she wanted food (all the time) and how she always took a huge sigh (relief?) when I got home from work. 
 

xx

[Johnfar]

19 hours ago, MattB said:

"but I have started a list of memories."

I do that as soon as possible when any of mine pass. You can even print a copy out and bury it in a special place or even burn it to the 4 winds, whatever you need for closure. When Peggy's time came two months ago, I said to the vet I'm going to keep the memories. The grieving process tends to bring the happier ones to the front. I still walk the same places even without Peggy and see all the dogs and people she knew; I still miss her massively (as I did with all of my dogs), but I feel so priviledged to have been allowed to walk the same path as she did for 13 and a half years until she died just a few days past her 15th birthday. . Whether I get another (never been without a dog for more than six weeks since the 1980's) I'm not sure yet due to my age and the cost of living, but if I do, my heart is still plenty big enough to offer a forever home to another. Smile at the love you shared; I think they are only ever lent to us by God anyway.

 

[greytpups]

Birth date - day they leave us.  It's the dash in between that's most important

[FiveRoooooers]

2 hours ago, greytpups said:

Birth date - day they leave us.  It's the dash in between that's most important

Thank you Jan. This is profound. 

[Mercsmom]

On 1/25/2023 at 4:15 AM, greytpups said:

Birth date - day they leave us.  It's the dash in between that's most important

That is so true.  My husband said I was giving Mercury an easy life and I said, "that's my job".    The void left by his passing seems massive and I know it will take a long time to heal.

The time in between his osteo diagnosis and his passing (12 days) was filled with anger, lots of anger, and sadness.  I know it was the grief process starting.  Who knows when it will end.  I figure it will just suck in the meantime and I get on with things.