Can't Get Past How She Died

[tornadosgirl]

As most of you know, Penny died last November. She had just turned 5 and had

done well with 5 months of chemo. An accidental overdose of chemo occured

two weeks before I decided to end her pain. I am having a very tough time

getting past the events leading up to her death. I need input about how to

get past the guilt and the grief. Here is a letter I wrote to her.

 

 

Dear Penny

 

I'm writing because I am having such a hard time getting past how your life

ended. When you got the overdose, I thought you would make it and still have

some time with us, even though I knew it would be short. There was part of me

that thought you would be "the exception" and live longer than the expectations.

When you were in the ICU, they put the central line in you. I knew that it would

give you nutrients and not calories, but I guess I didn't realize how much weight

you would lose. I wanted you home so badly. And I thought that would be the best

thing for you, but I don't think it was. I'm so sorry. When you finally came

home- I think it was two weeks you were in the ICU- you were so emaciated,

but I thought you'd start eating again. I bought everything you had loved before-

yogurt, string cheese, peanut butter. I even got that special food so I could

syringe feed it to you. But you would only take tiny amounts- not enough to

sustain you. Your hind end was so sore, from all the diarrhea you had had.

So we lifted you in to bed with us that Wednesday night. I made it real

comfortable for you, I put an extra comforter underneath you. I knew you would

need to pee a lot, because of the prendisone. You wet the bed that first night,

and the next morning I did what I had done for you so often. I took a towel and

got it soapy wet and gently tried to clean you up. Maybe I should have given you

a tub bath.

 

George stayed home with you on Thursday and that night, I got some

special ointment from that pharmacy in Worcester for your hind end. I used almost

the whole tube (I think it cost $60 for that tiny tube), but it didn't seem to

help at all. I didn't realize that your urine had scalded your behind. I thought

it was just your wound that was bothering you. Why didn't I realize that?

 

Friday, I worked from home. You were so sore all day, you wouldn't lie down,

you just stood, for most of the day. So I called to make sure I could give

you more of the pain medicine. You slept a little bit, but not much. I knew

you didn't have much time left, so why didn't I call in sick to work and nurse

you, hour by hour? Why, again, did I not realize how bad things were for you?

 

Friday afternoon you just trembled. You wouldn't look at me. You wouldn't eat,

even the syringe food. Nothing I did comforted you. I decided not to wait to

end your pain until it was convenient for me and George.

 

I'm left with this terrible guilt feeling. That being home didn't make so much

of a difference for you. That I should have realized the urine had scalded you.

I'm feeling so terrible about the decisions I made. I know you would forgive me.

I know you already have. But I can't get rid of the pain, the guilt I feel over

how you died. I have so many good memories of you, but I just cry and cry every

day about how your life ended. You were barely five years old.

[Guest Lovey_Hounds]

I know it may not sound easy but dont beat your self up over it... you were doing what your felt was right at that time.

She knows how much you truely love her and will always love her.

[Valencia]

I am so, so sorry. You did the best you could for her, please don't feel guilty. We make the best decisions we can with the information we have, and you never meant to hurt her or cause her pain. You very obviously loved her. I am so sorry you have such pain over how everything happened. She is pain free now, running with the rest of our angels. :grouphug

[robinw]

i remember Penny's story. it's so hard when you're in the middle of things, isn't it? no matter what happened, you did what was best for Penny. you loved her and she knew it. there is absolutely no reason for you to beat yourself up

[Guest Greytluv]

I agree with what everyone said. You did what was best for Penny. You can't second guess yourself.

 

 

[Guest WarmheartedPups]

I messaged you...please take care...my thoughts are with you

[Guest lynne893]

Oh, hon.... I know how horrible those feelings are. We felt the same guilt and grief after losing our first greyhound Gracie, and when we lost my dad to cancer 10 years ago. It's never easy in death.... never.

 

Your pain will gently ease as years pass.

 

You did what was right for her. You acted with your heart, and that's all you can ever do.

 

Godspeed.

[Fiona3]

Please don't think you are alone with your feelings. I have experienced that guilt of "why didn't I realize", I must have missed something, I should have used a different medicine, why didn't I notice something was off sooner" etc., etc. I wished I had taken more time off from work to spend with them, especially when one was ill. While you are caring for a critically ill dog you do your very best. It is only when looking back that you become critical of yourself and second guess your actions.

 

I know you tried your very best to take care of Penny. Please be easy on yourself and remember that Penny's illness was beyond your control to heal. You loved her, gave her all the comfort you could and did your absolute best. It hurts when you have lost such a young grey - but try to remember all the wonderful moments you had with her. She always knew you loved her. In time your pain and grief will lessen - forgive yourself for being human and remember how much love you showered on your beautiful girl. :grouphug

Edited April 30, 2009 by Fiona3

[Guest Greytnorth]

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your beloved Penny. From the letter you wrote, I can hear how much you loved her. I'm sure that Penny knew how much you cared for her.

[Hawthorn]

Penny's story is one of saddest I have ever heard and I'm not surprised you're having problems coming to terms with what happened. You know in your heart that you loved Penny and whatever decisions you made for her were made out of that love and with the knowledge that you had at the time. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I'm sure we can all remember situations where we'd have made different decisions had we known then what we know now. My first dog was killed by another dog 35 years ago and I suffered terrible guilt over it even though I was just a child at the time. It still haunts me, but not so often these days. The pain does gradually fade and over time you'll find things that help you to cope - poems, things people say, new ways of thinking about it. None of this was your fault and you have to try to forgive yourself for being human. You know that your intentions were good. If you believe in such things, maybe you could try to find a good animal communicator to help you find some peace. Please try to be kind to yourself on your journey.

 

[Guest vahoundlover]

You love your baby girl and she knows that, you did what you thought was best for her at the time. Hindsight can be so cruel as it lets your memory ponder things in a different light. Woulda coulda shoulda doesn't play fair. Don't be so hard on yourself I agree, maybe a communicator would help ease your pain and guilt.

 

We are here for you

[macoduck]

You didn't let her down. Despite now feeling well I'm sure she wanted to be with you too, at home, on her final days. After all those days in the hospital, she knew she needed to hang in there to be with you - if only for a brief time.

[Batmom]

I bought everything you had loved before-yogurt, string cheese, peanut butter. I even got that special food . . . So we lifted you in to bed with us . . . I put an extra comforter underneath you. . . . You wet the bed that first night, and the next morning I did what I had done for you so often. I took a towel and got it soapy wet and gently tried to clean you up. . . . I got some special ointment from that pharmacy in Worcester for your hind end. . . . I called to make sure I could give you more of the pain medicine. . . . I decided not to wait to end your pain until it was convenient for me and George.

 

You did all the things a person could do to help her and give her a chance to recover and to rest in her own beloved home with her own beloved people. And when she didn't recover, you did the hardest bravest thing and let her go. I don't believe any other intelligent, compassionate person would have done things differently. How could they?

 

Sometimes I think we feel most guilty when there is absolutely nothing else reasonable we could have done -- when there were no good other choices. We think there MUST have been something else, and our minds spiral away into worry over that ....

 

But surely, when she was well, she taught you that most important of all dog lessons? That life is the now, the moment. If she were here, would she not tell you to seize the day, to make some smiles for yourself and others? Perhaps by using your knowledge of greyhounds to help another, or by planting a beautiful tree in her memory, or by simply giving a treat and a snuggle to your other pups, a hug to your husband ....

 

My heart goes out to you.

[Burpdog]

Praying the burden of guilt and pain lifts and you will see the "I'm ok" sign she is trying to send to you.

 

[maryz]

As others on here have said, it is not your fault and you have nothing to feel guilty about. We are only human and when

we lose a beloved pet, I think it is only natural for us to go through the "what ifs" and "if only I had done ....." etc.

I lost my heart kitty to a fibrosarcoma which he got from his rabies vaccine-I also did the guilt thing. I knew his time was

close, so I was prepared to let him go on a Saturday. I found him Friday when I came home from work. I had a terrible

time (and still do) thinking that I should have been there with him so he wouldn't have had to die alone. This was over

three years ago and I still cry over it. Your Penny knew she was very much loved-she had to because I can feel it in

your post-and I am sure she loved you every bit as much. Remember, animals hold no grudges, feel no remorse and

forgive and forget much easier than we do. She would not want you to feel this way.

[Guest CDNgreys]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Hindsight is 20/20 and none of us are perfect. We do the best we know how at the time. Penny knows you love her and you did what you could and what you thought was best for her. Penny wants you to remember the good times and the love you shared.

Penny wants you to be as kind to yourself as you were to her.

Take care

Edited April 30, 2009 by CDNgreys

[MP_the4pack]

I remember that too. I don't know how I could get past it. It wasn't your fault, you didn't administer the wrong dose.

 

 

While I'm not a litigious type, what about suing for malpractice, then donating the award to something greyhoundie that would make you feel better?

 

 

I really wish I could offer you more than just a lawsuit idea.

 

 

[sweetdogs]

Penny loved you. You loved her. You did the best you could for her when faced with a situation out of your control. There are those who should feel guilty about what happened to Penny - you are not one of them. Please forgive yourself because Penny did a long, long time ago. And she would never want you to be sad because of her. I truly believe that.

 

I hope you'll repost some of the stories you wrote about Penny - they were wonderful & maybe they'll help you regain your balance.

[CaliforniaGreys]

I remember Penny's story. I know that guilt more than I would like to. In our heads, we know, we did everything we could humanly possible. But our hearts feed the guilt.

I think the key phrase is "humanly possible" It's when our limitations bite us and haunt us.

A friend who just lost their pup to Osteo said to me, "I am supposed to protect them and keep harm away"

Something not humanly possible but we all want to do it, and feel guilty when we can't.

You have always been in my prayers, Penny is okay, you are the one left behind to hurt. But I bet you would rather be the one left behind hurting than to have it be her.

Please, try to be gentle to yourself

[jenners]

:grouphug :grouphug :grouphug

 

Jennifer

[Guest LovesDoggies]

This is what I have done to get through the same type of pain. I hope it will work for you too.

 

You need to stop re-living the pain that Penny felt. Her pain is over now. She is no longer experiencing any discomfort. Only you are. When you start to feel sad about her, immediately replace those thoughts with the knowledge that her pain is over.

 

I don't know why this works for me. I am an incredibly emotional person and am very connected to all of my pets. I have the potential for dwelling on the sadness of the loss of my pets, yet almost to my own disbelief, I do not. This just makes a lot of sense to me -- if their pain is gone, ended, no longer exists in the universe, then why should I continue to experience it. I just refuse to. Maybe try to allow yourself the same freedom?

[grey14me]

:grouphug

[RobinM]

I am so sorry.

[Guest greymama002]

Your letter shows the deep love you gave to Penny; she had to have felt how much she was loved. Please forgive yourself for not being able to save her. You did everything you could and it's never enough; in the end, they always have to leave us before we're ready. Rather than focusing on her death, focus on the happy memories you had with Penny in her life.

[Guest Betty]

I am so sorry for your loss. Our thoughts are with you.