New Adopter-Transition Roadblocks. Really Upset And Frustrated

[Guest rarmstrong]

Hello all. I adopted Willis 15 days ago, and things have been doing pretty well. We were getting into a bit of a routine, preparing for me to go back to work this week. However, the past few days there have been some upsets and now I'm feeling frustrated.

 

My boyfriend is moving into a new house. He was supposed to move in on Friday. His landlord did not tell him when the water people were coming and missed the appointment, so he was without water for the weekend. I let him and his dog stay for the weekend, leaving my new guy with some changes to his already new environment. He hasn't been alone since Friday, due to my boyfriends dog being in my apartment.

 

So far with being alone, he has been staying inside his crate, no accidents, not destructive and intermittent barking and whining in my absence. He has always been calm when I've come home.

 

Yesterday, my boyfriend took his dog to his new house to do some work and I left for work for about 3 1/2 hours. Willis was left alone. While I was gone, he had an accident in his crate, and I freaked out. The break in our routine and my plan to transition him has been interrupted, and now he's had an accident.

 

My boyfriend got some bad news that there is additional work to be done to the house (there are more issues with turning on the water) and doesn't have a place to stay for at least 2 days.

 

I hate to feel so selfish, but I'm frustrated. I've only had my dog for 2 weeks, and have been trying everything in my power to make his transition as smooth as possible. I sometimes wonder why I try so hard because things are constantly getting in the way of my efforts. I know that Willis could have had an accident for a number of reasons, but its hard to not worry that the change in his already new environment will only make things more difficult when we go back to what will be our normal.

 

Ugh.

[Houndtime]

Don't freak out. It is only one accident and yes his routine was interrupted. But, that can happen anytime in the next years that you will have Willis. My greys have dogs that visit and it is a little frantic for a few days and then we get back to normal.

[Time4ANap]

Make sure your boyfriend takes him out before he leaves the house and lets him do his business. Sometimes the excitement of someone leaving will get them worked up, especially if he thinks he gets to go for a ride and then doesn't. Either way, it;s always good to make the last thing anyone does before leaving a hound alone is take them out, in case you get delayed returning to the house.

 

These hounds are very adaptable. Routine is great, but most do just fine when the routine varies a little.

[Charlies_Dad]

First, take a deep breath. Everything will be all right. Your boy will still be 'learning' about his environment. Major changes can and will upset any pet but once you are back to routine all should be fine. As for the accident, well that happens and not something to get too worked up over. If it is repetitive, then you will want to consider changes.

[greytpups]

Hello all. I adopted Willis 15 days ago, and things have been doing pretty well. We were getting into a bit of a routine, preparing for me to go back to work this week. However, the past few days there have been some upsets and now I'm feeling frustrated.

 

My boyfriend is moving into a new house. He was supposed to move in on Friday. His landlord did not tell him when the water people were coming and missed the appointment, so he was without water for the weekend. I let him and his dog stay for the weekend, leaving my new guy with some changes to his already new environment. He hasn't been alone since Friday, due to my boyfriends dog being in my apartment.

 

So far with being alone, he has been staying inside his crate, no accidents, not destructive and intermittent barking and whining in my absence. He has always been calm when I've come home.

 

Yesterday, my boyfriend took his dog to his new house to do some work and I left for work for about 3 1/2 hours. Willis was left alone. While I was gone, he had an accident in his crate, and I freaked out. The break in our routine and my plan to transition him has been interrupted, and now he's had an accident.

 

My boyfriend got some bad news that there is additional work to be done to the house (there are more issues with turning on the water) and doesn't have a place to stay for at least 2 days.

 

I hate to feel so selfish, but I'm frustrated. I've only had my dog for 2 weeks, and have been trying everything in my power to make his transition as smooth as possible. I sometimes wonder why I try so hard because things are constantly getting in the way of my efforts. I know that Willis could have had an accident for a number of reasons, but its hard to not worry that the change in his already new environment will only make things more difficult when we go back to what will be our normal.

 

Ugh.

 

He may be picking up on your anxiety. I wonder if you feel stressed because of your first return and are sensitized to any little issue. Was there a change in routine at all in terms of when he goes on walks, etc.? When a new pup comes into our home we are extremely prudent about routines to help them feel comfortable. We also do that when pet sitting. Do you have him on the same schedule you'll be on when you go back to work.

Have you done any alone training with Willis? Are there other issues because this seems so minor in the grand scheme of things imo?

The only advice I have is to relax a bit, although it is unusual to pee on a bed. I'm assuming he doesn't have any medical problems.

Edited March 3, 2014 by greytpups

[Brandiandwe]

Try to relax. It is frustrating, especially when you think you're doing everything right. But here's the thing. There will always be something. For instance, just before Christmas, my girls had a scuffle and Paige ended up at the vets. They had lived together for two years at that point without a problem. Then last night, Hermon and Brandi had an altercation over a bone. My fault. I wad right there but hadn't expected Hermon to try to help himself. He has a puncture wound, and I spent the night very upset, angry at myself and guilty. They're fine.

 

My point is that even with the best of intentions, things can and will go wrong. They're dogs, not programmable machines. So give yourself a break. It will all be ok.

[robinw]

Relax. Imagine how different everything is for your new dog. Like greytpups said, he may be picking up on some of your anxiety. Things never go as planned, and it's probably best for all of youif you can roll with the punches.

 

Iker (my dog) has started to pee on the bed, also. I'm taking him to the vet tomorrow and will let you know how it goes.

 

So...take a deep breath, relax, and enjoy your new dog, ok?

Edited March 3, 2014 by robinw

[XTRAWLD]

Just a couple weeks in, you are lucky to have had it this smooth thus far!!! I'd say your pup is doing pretty well actually.

 

Be calm, stuff happens, his life has been turned upside down and there will always be new hurdles to overcome, but they can be overcome.

 

Try to stimulate him while you are home so he is happy, and tired. A tired dog is a happy dog. Make sure he goes out before being crated etc. Don't give up and you can get back from just a little pee.

 

It's a learning curve for everyone involved, including your bf too. This too shall pass.

[GeorgeofNE]

It's called an accident for a reason. Clean it up and move on!

 

If that's the worst thing that's happened in 15 days, consider yourself very fortunate! Hang in there. Many of us have been there. My dog was a NIGHTMARE when I first got him, and he's a total doll now.

 

It will all be fine!

[Guest rarmstrong]

 

 

He may be picking up on your anxiety. I wonder if you feel stressed because of your first return and are sensitized to any little issue. Was there a change in routine at all in terms of when he goes on walks, etc.? When a new pup comes into our home we are extremely prudent about routines to help them feel comfortable. We also do that when pet sitting. Do you have him on the same schedule you'll be on when you go back to work.

 

Have you done any alone training with Willis? Are there other issues because this seems so minor in the grand scheme of things imo?

 

The only advice I have is to relax a bit, although it is unusual to pee on a bed. I'm assuming he doesn't have any medical problems.

 

I'm stressed out for a number of reasons. First being my first attempt at adopting. I realize how lucky, fortunate, whatever I am with Willis and know how badly things can go. Coming home to a cut up dog, destroyed blinds, torn up blanket and feces really makes you feel like an awful person for leaving your dog alone. I would hate for Willis to develop any issues because I wasn't doing what I was supposed to, or didn't prepare him for success. I know that he isn't a programmable machine, but I can most certainly set up an environment, especially one early in his transition to promote more positive behaviors.

 

I'm also stressed out because my boyfriend's dog Sophia is a monster, and driving me insane. Willis is not a fan of her. He is shy of other dogs, and makes it known via snarls, growling, barking, tucked tail, shaking etc. Sophia bums rushes him, and even once he indicates to her that he is uncomfortable she still comes trucking in his direction. I don't want Sophia to get hurt or cause Willis to learn that his more appropriate behaviors to indicate that he is uncomfortable are unnoticed and begin to escalate to biting. I started Willis at a daycare that utilizes positive reinforcement and slow desensitization for dogs to become better socialized, and we started an obedience class on Sunday. My boyfriend essentially has stated that this is the way Sophia is and he doesn't want to "break her spirit or turn her into a robot". Either dog is crated at a time (Willis more often that Sophia), and Sophia just walks around sniffing everything, whining for attention, almost never settles. I am trying to reinforce calm behaviors in both dogs, by having Sophia go into a sit or down near Willis and Willis remaining calm by her proximity. They get treats for both behaviors and then relax on opposite ends of the apartment. More appropriate negative reinforcement for Willis.

 

She is incredibly stressful to me.

Edited March 3, 2014 by rarmstrong

[Batmom]

Sounds like the boyfriend and Sophia need to stay somewhere else until Sophia is better trained. Put your foot down on that and things will go much better.

[greysmom]

At this point, you need to calm down, take a deep breath, and remember he's only been home for two weeks. You're not going to break your dog and one accident doesn't mean he's going to end up like your other dog - you would have already seen that extreme behavior if it was going to come out. Your first greyhound was a different dog. Deal with this one on his own terms.

 

Two, you need to be an advocate for your dog. Your BF is an idiot if he has that attitude towards his dog. You need to be as stubborn so *your* dog stays safe. Your house, YOUR rules as far as the dogs go. And your dog should not be the one in the crate at your house if the other dog is the problem. Get another crate if Sophia is going to be a frequent visitor, and have one at BF's house as well if Willis will be there a lot. As far as what you're doing with training for getting them comfortable with each other, that should work fine, given time and repetition.

 

Don't let her bully him when they are greeting each other - she's rude and doesn't understand dog greetings. If he gets uncomfortable enough, he may snap at her. Don't let your BF tell you it's Willis's fault. His dog is the one that's out of control.

 

Set up a routine for when you leave. Do it. Every time. And BF needs to do it too if he's going to be responsible for leaving the house last. If can't or won't help, at this point, he needs to stay somewhere else.

[Brandiandwe]

What greysmom says. Your house, your rules. If Willis is being bullied by Sophia, it needs to stop. If BF doesn't like it, Sophia doesn't get to stay.

 

This sounds harsh but you both need to be on the same side about this. What Sophia is doing isn't acceptable. Full stop. So you need to protect your dog. If your BF doesn't like it, he doesn't have to be there. And, this is going to sound harsh, if he isn't prepared to compromise about this, and he begins throwing around ultimatums, I'd personally begin thinking about the basis of the relationship.

[jetcitywoman]

Greysmom put it very nicely. Especially this part: "you won't break your dog".

 

Let me share a couple of times when I "broke my dog" and how we recovered, just to prove to you that they are more adaptable than you may realize. Shortly after we adopted Ajax, I gave them each a bone and put them in the back yard because I didn't want a mess in the house. I stupidly didn't supervise them, so was embarrassed and horrified at myself when I discovered they'd had a little tiff and Capri was bleeding. Other than her wound, they acted like nothing had happened. Oh and one other thing: she had a sudden new fear of the back deck. She would go out just fine, but couldn't come back because the deck was now scary. I knew it was up to me to fix it. I went out and sat on the deck steps and sweetly called her over. She would come close but stop at a certain spot and wouldn't come any closer. So I sat out there calmly as if I did it every day and looked at the sky and looked at her, and talked to her calmly. She eventually came over to me and I petted her for a little while. Then I said "well, it's time to go back inside", got up and told her to come with me as I did every day. She hesitated and then came inside with me. The deck was never again scary for her.

 

The other episode was harder to fix. I didn't want to pick Ajax up to put him in my car because he's a big 80 pounder, so I wanted to teach him to climb into the car on his own. I opened the side back door and put the seat up. (I usually keep the seats down to make a nice platform for them to lay on.) I had him on leash and pulled and coaxed him to the door. He was afraid and didn't know what I was asking, so he'd put down roots and refuse to budge. I tried to pick up his front feet and he'd go into a mild panic and back out. I pulled him back up to the door and block him with my legs so he couldn't back out, and tried to push him in. "No flipping way" he told me. Ajax is the kind of dog who does NOT like to be physically coerced into things, no matter how gently. I stopped and tried again the next day. He remembered, though, and wouldn't even get close to the car door if I was near it. Ouch, that hurt my feelings. It took me about two weeks but I eventually did teach him to climb into the car by luring him with treats, one tiny step at a time. The first day he put a front foot in the car and backed out but I counted that as progress. The following day, two feet, progress. A few days later, three feet and backed out, still progress. Baby steps and much patience. So I was able to "fix" him and also regain his trust.

 

So.... as everybody else said... be patient and calm and don't freak out at the little things. Your dog will learn a lot from you, so teach him that you are a calm, confident leader.

[Fruitycake]

Sophia is going to single-handedly undermine what you're trying to do with the positive reinforcement training to get Willis calm around other dogs. She must be prevented from further convincing Willis that other dogs need to be kept away by any means necessary (growling, snarling, snapping, biting). If you boyfriend won't control her and won't allow you to prevent her from harassing your dog, she needs to be elsewhere. If he doesn't like that option, he does too.

 

Yep, we're a bit protective of our dogs here. But if he doesn't see that it is your house and that your dog is your responsibility and that his dog needs to be under control, that's a problem right there. It sounds as if she wasn't properly socialized, nor properly trained, and that's a shame for her and you all.

[Guest rarmstrong]

At this point, you need to calm down, take a deep breath, and remember he's only been home for two weeks. You're not going to break your dog and one accident doesn't mean he's going to end up like your other dog - you would have already seen that extreme behavior if it was going to come out. Your first greyhound was a different dog. Deal with this one on his own terms.

 

Two, you need to be an advocate for your dog. Your BF is an idiot if he has that attitude towards his dog. You need to be as stubborn so *your* dog stays safe. Your house, YOUR rules as far as the dogs go. And your dog should not be the one in the crate at your house if the other dog is the problem. Get another crate if Sophia is going to be a frequent visitor, and have one at BF's house as well if Willis will be there a lot. As far as what you're doing with training for getting them comfortable with each other, that should work fine, given time and repetition.

 

Don't let her bully him when they are greeting each other - she's rude and doesn't understand dog greetings. If he gets uncomfortable enough, he may snap at her. Don't let your BF tell you it's Willis's fault. His dog is the one that's out of control.

 

Set up a routine for when you leave. Do it. Every time. And BF needs to do it too if he's going to be responsible for leaving the house last. If can't or won't help, at this point, he needs to stay somewhere else.

I think my biggest hurdle is not thinking of Willis as Rep, and overwhelming myself with anxiety about "breaking" him. I'm a perfectionist and it is not uncommon for me to become consumed with all the little things, or perceived errors I've made and fixing them until I'm satisfied. One of the things I love about my job (I do behavioral therapy with kids on the Autism Spectrum) is that it forces me to be objective, stay calm and do what I know works. I went through a perfectionist period there and really wore myself out. I'm learning the hard way to be nice to myself and not worry about things, or what I think I may have done wrong. Hopefully with Willis I will come to this realization much faster. I already know we are a much better fit, and I need to look forward at this point.

 

In terms of Sophia, I've explained to my boyfriend why it's not okay for her to approach him like that and why I want things done a certain way. And from a behavioral standpoint, that every time she invades his personal space it is ruining all of the work and money I am putting into helping Willis cope with other dogs. He knows that I know my stuff when it comes to behavior, and doesn't question me on it. He hasn't given any push back, and understands why it needs to be done that way. He doesn't want Sophia to be hurt or to provoke Willis, or any other dog, to react to her that way. We have two crates right now to keep them apart. When I came back today from work, he had them both crated.

 

I get frustrated because he almost relinquishes all of the responsibility onto me. He sees Sophia in a certain way as unfixable and that he can't do anything else about it. I will have to talk to him about that because another part of being nice to myself is not taking on the responsibilities of the world. For him to really support me, he needs to be an active participant as well. I can see it in his eyes that he is frustrated with her and her bad manners (for example, she is a horrible walker. Pulls, tugs at the leash. She has almost hurt him several times this past winter by dragging him across icy sidewalks and stairs), but I also know that doing nothing doesn't help. I see it all the time with the families I work with. Yes, it sucks and it's hard to solve a problem. I get the ** kicked out of me (literally), but I do it because I know what I'm doing works, and that it needs to be consistent to make things run much smoother in the future. I need him to see it that way too.

Edited March 4, 2014 by rarmstrong

[Walliered]

Keep the dogs apart using a baby gate. Also, you have two many things going on for a brand new dog. Let him settle and I think you need to settle too.

[scullysmum]

Sounds like the boyfriend and Sophia need to stay somewhere else until Sophia is better trained. Put your foot down on that and things will go much better.

Your boyfriend needs to teach his dog some manners, tell him that if he doesn't then sooner or later another dog will do it for him, and it won't be pretty.

 

Otherwise, relax, don't let your imagination run away with you and things will be just fine.

[jetcitywoman]

It sounds like your boyfriend doesn't understand how to train dogs. It's really not that hard once someone shows you, but it is very frustrating to try it on your own without understanding how dogs think. Very much recommend getting a positive-reinforcement trainer in to show you guys (mostly him) how to teach Sophia how to "wait", leash manners and other basic obedience. Also very much recommend Patricia McConnell's books, especially The Other End of the Leash and For the Love of a Dog. Those titles aren't really dog training so much as dog behavior. They're VERY readable and educational.

Edited March 4, 2014 by jetcitywoman

[krissn333]

The only thing "routine" about my household is the triggers that lead to the dogs going outside. They go outside when I get out of bed in the morning (weekdays that is around 6am and weekends it varies). They don't wake up until I get out of bed. (Minus the occasional extra need to pee or poop if someone is having an upset tummy, etc.). After that they come in and they eat. Before I leave for work, they go out again. If I am not leaving, they go back outside after they've chilled for about 20 minutes or so.

 

When I come home from being out of the house, they go outside. They know this and they expect it. Whether I've been gone for 5 minutes or 5 hours, when my car pulls into the driveway and I enter the house, they are ready to go outside.

 

Times for everything vary depending on the day, and I haven't "broken" any dogs yet and so far in my life I've had 9.

 

All of this to say, pay attention to the triggers he might be picking up on. I agree that the visiting dog is probably upsetting his homeostasis at this point, but don't worry. You'll get back to your "normal" and he will adapt. They are AMAZINGLY adaptable animals.

[GeorgeofNE]

Easy for someone like me to say (happily single), but he's not your husband, it's not his house, he doesn't have to be there.

[greytpups]

Willis isn't the problem here. Another suggestion I have is to work on your "perfectionist" issues, at least with dog ownership. Be fair to Willis and prepare for pee, poop, diarrhea, vomit, lack of appetite and other dog stuff that will happen and you can't control it, but Willis will sense your frustration.

 

You stated many issues yourself, including the responsibility part. If I were in this situation, the BF's dog would not be staying in my home until he did some behavioural work with a specialist. Willis is still learning to be part of a new environment and has a lot thrown at him at the moment.

 

Think of how you would feel if you moved to Mars and then badly behaved aliens moved in a short time later while you were adjusting.

[Brandiandwe]

Easy for someone like me to say (happily single), but he's not your husband, it's not his house, he doesn't have to be there.

Meh. As a happily married person ...... I'd say the same thing. DH knows that my response to him if he did something I didn't like with my dogs would be to be to advise him not to let the door hit his butt on the way out.

[Guest rarmstrong]

Thanks for all the input guys. Seeing how passionate you guys are about your dogs made me feel less selfish about feeling that way about my dog. I've made Willis' interests/needs a must and my boyfriend is doing what I'm asking of him. Sophia is supervised, and kept in control. He is also following my instructions for leaving the house. I'm willing to help my boyfriend (for the time being) if he can understand and respect my home.

 

In regards to future visits (at my home or my boyfriends home), I don't see myself being open to continued visits if he isn't more aggressive with addressing Sophia's socialization deficits. Again, Willis' well being and the work/money invested will be for waste. I'm not going to give him an ultimatum, but I won't put myself or Willis in a situation that makes either of us frustrated or upset because someone else isn't doing their homework.

 

This is a learning process for both myself and Willis.

[christinepi]

Thanks for all the input guys. Seeing how passionate you guys are about your dogs made me feel less selfish about feeling that way about my dog. I've made Willis' interests/needs a must and my boyfriend is doing what I'm asking of him. Sophia is supervised, and kept in control. He is also following my instructions for leaving the house. I'm willing to help my boyfriend (for the time being) if he can understand and respect my home.

 

In regards to future visits (at my home or my boyfriends home), I don't see myself being open to continued visits if he isn't more aggressive with addressing Sophia's socialization deficits. Again, Willis' well being and the work/money invested will be for waste. I'm not going to give him an ultimatum, but I won't put myself or Willis in a situation that makes either of us frustrated or upset because someone else isn't doing their homework.

 

This is a learning process for both myself and Willis.

Sounds good!