How Can I Begin To Convey

[4My2Greys]

 

The point is, we all do the best we can, we all base our decisions on the information we have at the time. We all love our babies more than words can express. I can't stop crying, I can't stop blaming myself. It's not right, I don't deserve to feel the way I feel, any reasonable person would move on, but I can't.

 

Beanie loved you, still loves you. Try to hang onto that.

Please try to remember that Patrick still loves you too

[JJNg]

I just had to try one more chemotherapy drug before I set her free. Because of that she died a death so horrible few of you could imagine. By the time I made the 45 minute drive with her to the e-vet she was out of her mind from the pain.

 

But you had no way of knowing that would happen. And she obviously wasn't in pain the day you decided to try the additional chemo drug. Not even a vet could have predicted it would progress that way, as lymphoma isn't typically a painful disease. I know it's easy to look back and regret decisions in hindsight, but you made the best decision you could, given the information that you had at that time.

[robinw]

You didn't know what was going to happen. You did your very best for Beanie

[schultzlc]

I'm so sorry

[joejoesmom]

Judy, I am so sorry.

[Batmom]

4My2Greys and PatricksMom -- Maybe it helps a little to realize this:

 

When we get to choose the time our dog will leave us, when it seems we're neither a day too early nor a day too late, when the dog is calm, when everything surrounding the euthanasia procedure goes well ... at least 99 out of 100 times, that is all due to sheer dumb luck.

 

The last 5-6 months he was with me, my angel Batman could have had a crisis and died a horrible death at any time. He didn't. Not because of me. Because of sheer dumb luck. I got to pick the day because I got lucky.

 

Luck is married to guilt. Luck and guilt. Rotten creatures. Don't let them take up housekeeping in your mind, your heart, your soul. Don't let them eat away at the good, loving lives you gave your dogs.

[seeh2o]

Judy, hind sight is always 20/20. You did what any one of us would have done, tried something to make her heal, to make her better. There was no way in this world for you to know what would happen. I am so sorry you lost your sweet Beanie, but you did everything you could for her, there was just no way to know.

 

What matters is how she lived, she was so loved by you and she knew it. That is what matters. I wish I could reach out and hug you.

Edited March 23, 2013 by seeh2o

[JohnF]

Luck is married to guilt. Luck and guilt. Rotten creatures. Don't let them take up housekeeping in your mind, your heart, your soul. Don't let them eat away at the good, loving lives you gave your dogs.

 

The thing is, you were trying to give your dog just one more chance and there is absolutely no blame there whatsoever because it is what any dog lover would try to do. Better a day too soon than an hour too late and all that, is how we would like it to be, yet we cannot know it will work out that way. At the Bridge, your dog - now pain free - is sure and certain of your best intentions and of your love.

Let the Grieving now begin to heal you... that's why God gave it to us ... to bring us back out into the light and allow the good and happy memories to bridge across the bad ones and define the loved one we have lost, not in terms of their dire final illness, but in terms of how they enjoyed their life to the full in happier times.

[galgrey]

4My2Greys and PatricksMom -- Maybe it helps a little to realize this:

 

When we get to choose the time our dog will leave us, when it seems we're neither a day too early nor a day too late, when the dog is calm, when everything surrounding the euthanasia procedure goes well ... at least 99 out of 100 times, that is all due to sheer dumb luck.

 

The last 5-6 months he was with me, my angel Batman could have had a crisis and died a horrible death at any time. He didn't. Not because of me. Because of sheer dumb luck. I got to pick the day because I got lucky.

 

Luck is married to guilt. Luck and guilt. Rotten creatures. Don't let them take up housekeeping in your mind, your heart, your soul. Don't let them eat away at the good, loving lives you gave your dogs.

This is so very true and so profound. I suffered with horrible guilt for years over the death of my first galgo, Irys. It happened on April 15, 2006 and sadly, it's only been recently that I've been able to forgive myself. I punished myself needlessly and it stole a lot of joy from each day of my life for too many years. I hope this will speak to you, Judy, in your time of grief and you will let yourself off the hook and not punish yourself.

[EllenEveBaz]

We can't go back and change what has happened. We can let the experience influence our path in the future. After my version of this situation, I promised myself and dear Baz's memory that I would be a more assertive advocate for pain control for the animals in my care. I have kept that promise, and that has helped both those animals and me.

[queenwinniesmom]

Oh, Judy, I'm so sorry I didn't see this till now! I am sitting here crying---for you, for Beanie, and for the fact that sometimes life is so damn cruel to kind, gentle, loving, caring people.

 

I can only echo what Jey said. In fact, I'm going to print out those words and hold onto them. She's a wise woman.

 

That said, words are much easier and less painful than seeing someone you love suffer. I know that ache, a pain so real and so overwhelming that it is a true physical presence. I've made mistakes in the past as well, simply because I couldn't know the future, and thought only to gain more precious time. Ask yourself---even though you KNOW the answer, and we all know the answer---would you knowingly cause Beanie to suffer? Of course you wouldn't.

 

But I can understand those feelings. For a long time, when I lost my Nick, I felt that kind of pain. I punished myself for not being able to see the future. Even after 2 visits to our regular vet, we didn't know that he had Addison's till he was in full Addisonian crisis, and were treating him for that, not knowing that he also had cardiomyopathy. His big heart was literally too big, and the treatments for the 2 conditions were at direct odds with each other. The ER vet thought that he was stable, and we could take him to our own vet in the morning to continue treatment. I didn't know that it would be too much for his poor heart, and that he would die at the ER vet without me. If only I had known, I would have been there with him. If only......

The one thing I learned not to question was that Nick knew how very much I loved him.

 

 

I can tell you, and I can HOPE for you, that it will get better. Grief has no time frame, and now you need to mourn for many reasons. As you do that, please be kind to yourself. And know that though the hurt will always be there, in time, Beanie's memory will bring smiles as well as tears. I know, because even though I'm crying as I sit here thinking about you, and about Nick, the memory of my heart dog can still make me smile.

Edited March 23, 2013 by queenwinniesmom

[Burpdog]

All of you know the pain & guilt I carry with me for Eliza. You don't know how terrible her last two days were as the vet tried to "save" her. I would never put another thru the pain & suffering she went thru and the same for my sweet Scooby.

 

Pain & guilt are severe teachers. We take what we learn forward for ourselves and those in our care, and to share. Where do you think I've gotten all my experience? When I say "don't do that" (which isn't often) or "do this instead" it comes from that pain where I screwed up.

 

Eliza, Scooby, Beanie & Patrick and a whole bunch of others are in Rainbow Land having a blast. They will be there when we come.

 

I will never forgive myself, but I do believe all will be well when I see them again and they tell me it's ok.

 

I normally don't say much about praying -- what I have done but it's really important in light of the above. I was so distraught about Eliza I thought I literally would burst. I cried so hard I thought my eyes would come out of my head. I remember thinking that I had prayed when my Mom died and I asked that the "burden be lifted" and it was. I asked again with Eliza, and it was lifted. I still had sorrow and guilt, but the burden was gone and at least I could function.

 

So for all who needs it: I pray that your burden is lifted and you feel the love all around you

[4My2Greys]

One thing I am learning through this is that I'm not alone in my pain. So many of you know what I'm feeling because you've been through it yourself. Thank you for the kindness you've shown me and sharing your own heartaches with me.

I so wish I could take it all back and spare my little girl that last evening of misery and give her a goodbye as peaceful as Bruiser's was.

[robinw]

Judy, I'm still carrying guilt over Loca's death, which was three years ago. There's so much I would have done differently, but we can't change it. We just have to accept that we make our decisions out of love and compassion and that we do the best we can