I took Chase to Auburn for his oncology consultation Wednesday. I went in ready to proceed with amputation and chemotherapy hoping to get him into the clinical trial they were doing. What they found on his examination not only excluded him from being a candidate for the clinical trial, it also took away all my hopes for any more time with him.
The end of his left femur toward the knee is so deteriorated it his highly prone to fracture. That in itself was not the worse news. On his examination they also discovered a large abdominal aortic thrombus, which not only excluded him a candidate for the clinical trial, but left me with no option, but to let him go. I can take away the pain from the cancer by amputation and hopefully slow its progression with chemotherapy, but there is nothing that can be done about the thrombus or to predict when it becomes fatal. Knowing what Nadir's death was like I can't leave Chase facing the same thing not knowing when it will occur or if I will even be home when it occurs.
I made a promise to Nadir to love Chase with all my heart. Today at 4:30 I will be fulfilling the hard part of that promise and saying goodbye to my sweet boy. My heart is crushed knowing the emptiness that awaits me. :cry