This Just Sucks...

[Guest KRKWMU]

Today, I've reached the boiling point and I'm just about to go over the edge. I know a lot of us are really hurting and feeling all of these losses. I opened two Sympathy cards today, one from Karen (greytmonty) and another from our vet's office. Both hit me hard. Our vets are going to make a donation to the American Veterinary Medication Foundation in Bonnie's name. They called me Tuesday and let me know that Bonnie's ashes are ready to be picked up too. Gracey needs to go for her annual check-up, so I made that for this Friday and I'll pick up Bonnie's ashes then. I thought taking Gracey in might make things a little more bearable.

 

Every time I turn around, I think Bonnie is going to be right behind me. It's a very odd and very sad emotion realizing she's not there, and won't be, ever again. My husband has had to work A LOT lately, and I've been home by myself. I try to keep busy, but I still look up thinking that Bonnie is right there on the dog bed or cockroached on the couch. I thought DH may have tonight off, but he called at 5 PM to let me know another guy is sick, so he has to stay for a basketball game. Our good friends have been greyt, but they're almost 45 minutes away, not like I can just pop over one night to visit. One of their hounds is really sick and they can't figure out what's going on. That's been bothering me.

 

I've been training for this marathon in honor of Bonnie and I'm almost there. I was so excited yesterday to buy new shoes...the ones I'm going to wear in the marathon. Yesterday, I ran 7 miles and it felt like a piece of cake. I thought "this is great! finally, no shoe issues". But, today I could hardly run 3 miles and I have a HUGE blister on one of my toes. I'm so frustrated. The marathon was supposed to be a celebration of battling lymphoma successfully, now it just isn't the same. It still will be for Bonnie, but it's different now.

 

I'm sorry for the rant. I just can't keep everything inside anymore. No need to reply, really. It's so hard to respond in Remembrance lately. Too many hounds and each loss is a significant one. "I'm so sorry" doesn't seem like enough, although each and every response meant a great deal to me in Bonnie's thread. Thank goodness we all have each other. Like I said in my thread title, this just sucks.

[turbotaina]

Aw, Kristin. Wish there were something I could say to make it better, but it just takes time. Sending you and Drew good thoughts and scritches for the pups

[Guest BlackandBrindle]

:grouphug

[Guest crazy4greys]

[CaliforniaGreys]

Ya know what Kristin, I know there are many of here who felt the loss like it was one of our own.

If it's hard for us, I can only imagine how intense for you. I know that I was so heartbroken when Bonnie left and sometimes the days will go by easier by thinking no, she's not gone, she's still there.

But you can't do that.

Everytime I go for the bag to give these guys a treat, I can't help but smile thinking about Bonnie, I've always done that. But now when I go for those treats, I am reminded that no, Bonnie isin't still there. But she is so tucked in my heart.

 

This is when you really want the words that will comfort, but there are no words in the English language that could comfort such a deep hole in our hearts.

 

Please know that you and Drew are always in our thoughts and prayers.

 

On a side note, for the running, try duck tape

[Burpdog]

Every time I turn around, I think Bonnie is going to be right behind me. It's a very odd and very sad emotion realizing she's not there, and won't be, ever again.

 

Unless she decides to visit Austin has visited a few times. It's quite comforting (except to Pablo who wants them all to go away..... )

 

I know how much it hurts....

[Guest SoulsMom]

Grief is such a raging animal that feels like something outside ourselves that we can't control. It's happening TO us, not within us . . . .It's hard, damn hard. We're here for you.

[MerlinsMum]

:cry1

 

I'm so sorry, Kristin.

 

I know what you mean about "I'm so sorry" not feeling good enough sometimes. So many losses in recent months, and it makes me feel really defeated and depressed. I wish I could put into words how I really feel and reach out to those losing their pups, and hold them, and hug them, and tell them it's going to be ok. But inside I'm thinking, it's not going to be ok. They will never see their beloved pup again. And there isn't a thing I can do to make them feel better, to cheer them up, to make them laugh again. I feel helpless. And some days I want to stay away from GT, I really, really do, because I can't take the sadness. But I don't, because if it were me who'd lost Merlin or Sagan, I know that the only people who might make me feel comforted would be GTers, because you all understand. And also because if there is even a slight chance that my pathetic-sounding "I'm so sorry" might make someone feel a little comforted, visiting the Remembrance threads is worth the sadness, and it's important.

 

I think of Bonnie all the time. She's on my desktop background again, looking cute in her HfH collar. She will never be forgotten.

 

We're here for you Kristin. :grouphug

[Guest vahoundlover]

it does suck....a great deal. Bonnie was a huge part of your lives, the emptiness is overwhelming. almost 3 months later and I still have days where I just know I'll turn around and Boss will be there. I still can't believe he's gone.

[Guest Pipi5]

Sweetie, like I told you the other day...just about the time I feel sad & emotional about Bonnie...then I say her whole name Bonnie Twist. How can someone not smile when they say her name & then think about her.

I was really surprised the other afternoon after I got home from Gogh's burial...I could actually smile when I thought about him. Gogh was such a happy puppy. Even that morning, he wagged his tail, twisted his butt & grinned at me. I knew he was in pain, but he still loved life.

To me, Bonnie Twist was that way. She's living in your heart...her spirit is right there.

[Guest how888]

I really know how you feel.. Yesterday was How's anniversary of going to the bridge.. It even kills me to post it so I never do.. It killed me all day but I really found comfort in coming on here and going on to remembrance and trying to comfort others.. Sometimes the loss is unbearable. I wish I could just hold him one more time. I go on greyhound data to look at dogs and I always have to look at my How.. Just know they are with us in heart always..

[nyGreys]

if there is even a slight chance that my pathetic-sounding "I'm so sorry" might make someone feel a little comforted, visiting the Remembrance threads is worth the sadness, and it's important.

 

My thoughts Exactly.

Hang in there Kristin.

[Houndtime]

She might be right behind you.

Make yourself familiar with the angels, and behold them frequently in spirit; for without being seen, they are present with you. St. Francis de Sales

The hurt and saddness doesn't go away; it just gets better in time. I think it will be easier when you pick up her ashes. She will be home again with you where she belongs.

 

 

[HopeForHounds]

If it helps at all, even a little bit....... I understand.

 

I've had that feeling too, of Foxy being right there. I had a dream, so intense I could feel her paws hit my back. Last week, for the first time in ages, I got out 4 cookies instead of 3. I dropped it, and no-one even tried to pick it up. It was as if they knew, it wasn't for them.

Open your heart to the possibility and listen, she is still with you.

 

Know too you are not alone, we walk this journey with you if you let us.

 

 

[Guest Tenderhearts]

:grouphug

[djsgreys]

Its been 19 months for me and I still look around for my angel - and I still cry. But I also have times of absolute joy as I remember all that she meant to me and just how precious she was.

 

I suspect that Bonnie will be with you forever - as is Zena. And eventually it will be more smiles than tears.

 

For now, just know that we are all here and you are in our thoughts.

 

[retiredracers]

Kristin,

 

I wish we were closer... I know how lonely you are without Drew there and I wish we could be there for you when you need us. You know we are in spirit.

 

We weren't as close when Crooke died as we are now but you know how horrible it was for me. I couldn't even sleep in my own bed for 3 months. I knew that Crooke would not want me to be sad and to mourn for her but it was almost impossible not to since she was such a huge part of my life. I think that's why she sent me the 10 week old Elphie... who has time to mourn when they are raising a greyhound puppy?! The nights were still hard, though, Elphie would be asleep and I would sit and think about her. Eventually I could fall asleep without crying and then after months, I made my way back to the bedroom but it was still really hard for awhile.

 

Call me anytime you just need to talk!

 

Sheila

[grey14me]

[Maddiesmom]

Kristin

 

I'm there/here for you.

 

Amy and Maddie

[ozgirl2]

It DOES suck... and I AM sorry...

 

Hugs... we all know how hard it is and we all care...

[laurie]

 

People always say it gets easier with time, and I guess it does. But what gets easier isn't the pain, it's the ability to push the pain down to a bearable level that gets easier.

 

If I let it come, the pain of losing Emily and Beatrice and Okie Kechi is as strong and fresh as it was the day they left.

 

I know it's the same for most if not all of you, and I'm thankful for this group of people, you GTers, who can truly understand.

 

 

[Guest PhillyPups]

Oh Kristin I so know what you are feeling.

 

For about two weeks after I lost TigerPower I would have dreams that he was searching for me and crying for me ~ and I could not get to him.

 

The pain is so hard sometimes, I just wanna curl up in a ball and put my head on my Mom's lap and let her stroke my forehead, however, she is taking care of my bridge angels.

 

to you.

[racindog]

I agree with Houndtime and Foxysmom. Just be open minded- and don't be surprised! Its been almost 3 years since Slim crossed over and honestly I think about him pretty much constantly. Had I not learned that he was still with me I would have probably imploded. Its like I had no desire to go on-like nothing mattered-after he crossed over. But thinking about him all the time is good now because it enables me to move forward with him like we always did when he was here in his earthly body.

I run also and wanted to suggust BagBalm. The stuff in the green tin can that some people put on their hands. I have always gobbbed it all around my toes and have never got a blister when I do this. It prevents friction apparently and then there is no blister. Just wanted to share.

Hang in there. It'll get better.

[Guest KRKWMU]

Thanks, guys. Today is a little better. I just get sad, mad, frustrated, and upset at times. Yesterday, everything seemed to come on all at once.

 

I'm sad that she is gone. I'm sad that she had to endure chemo for a full year. I'm sad that our family is not the same.

 

I'm mad that she was only 6 years old and we only got 2 years with her (both of these things really bother me ). That she had to put up with the chemo, pills, and side effects. I'm mad that cancer research still hasn't figure out a cure, or at least something to improve the odds.

 

I'm frustrated that we can spend billions of dollars to send spaceships and people to outer space, to bail people out who got themselves in a bind, and for who knows what else, but we still can't beat these cancers. I hate that my husband has to work so much. He is a band director for goodness sake...not saving lives here, folks! And, yesterday, I was REALLY frustrated running, preparing for my marathon! I feel like my toe is the size of a hot dog! It hurts so bad. Once it heals, I'm going to try your tips. I've already got the bag balm and duck tape ready to go!

 

I'll tell you though, I do smile some already thinking about our girl. It's true that you can't say her full racing name without smiling (I dare you to do it!...Bonnie Twist) I'm happy that even though she had to deal with a lot crap, she still played and played. She'd squeak her toys and go crazy at the oddest times. The last few months, she wanted food at EVERY opportunity! And, she realized that we'd cave and give it to her. I think about her spunky and I do smile.

 

Drew and I have never gone through this before, losing one of our hounds. I can't believe that so many of people on GT are dealing with the same thing right now, or have recently. It really does make me feel better knowing that all of you are out there. Just typing things out makes me feel better!

 

I changed Gracey's vet appointment tomorrow because DH really wants to come too. We'll pick up Bonnie's ashes in the morning. I actually miss going to the vet's' office. We usually went once a week for a year! It just became a regular part of my week. It will be good to talk with all of them. I know our vet will cry again and that will get me going. We'll feel better though knowing that Bonnie is home again, where she belongs. And, I know she's still here with us.

 

Thanks again, everyone. I'm thinking about all of you too.

[Guest Gingergrey]

Very sorry for your loss.

 

I lost my grey two months ago at 5 years of age and she was with us four days short of two years. She didn't deserve what she went through, they never do. It is still very painful. You have my support. I wish I had known about this website at that time. Thoughts and prayers are with you.