Medical Costs...

[Guest HeatherDemps]

I'm just curious if I'm the only one in this boat....

 

A few months ago, when we found out about Dempsey's osteo, DH and I had many (painful) discussions about the costs involved with treatment. I felt that money didn't matter and I couldn't stand the thought of just managing the pain. Absolutely could not stand it- got physically ill at the thought of it and just about hysterical. Dempsey came along about 4 years or so before DH, so he was not adopted by the two of us, but DH has always known that me and my critters are a package deal. I know he was more concerned about the money than I was/am but he agreed to the amputation and chemo, etc. Fast forward to now (and some times leading up to now) and I am hearing about the costs involved, how this is impacting us, etc. Such as- my brakes are seriously roached and I have to get new ones tomorrow. DH made a comment today about how the vet bills have screwed us, etc.

 

I guess I don't know what I'm looking for- sympathy, reassurance that I am not alone in this sort of thing, etc??? I don't want to hear it anymore, we can't change it. It's very stressful to me anyway because I totally *GET* that this was pretty much my decision and he went along with it because he knew how important it was to me. I feel like I don't need more pressure about the finances because I already feel it myself and feel bad that things are tight now. It's worth it to me, I guess maybe not to him?

 

I must say that out of all the discussions about cancer when we first found out, the money talks might have been the worst part....

 

Heather

[grey14me]

you need to tell him right out...it's done and you don't want to hear about it any more. tell him if he feels the need to bring it up every time something comes up that costs money then he needs to find someone else to whine to about it. as far as you're concerned your child needed something and you weren't going to deny him. if you guys share finances then you can remind him of stuff that he's wanted to purchase that you weren't so keen on...if you don't share finances then he can just shut his pie hole.

[grey14me]

oh, and in case you can sense some anger in my post...yeah, I've gone through the same thing with my dh, but I'm in a position where I can tell him to shut his pie hole, and I finally did because if you don't...you will hear about it for years and years! best to nip this in the proverbial bud if you can!

[sobesmom]

I haven't lived your exact situation - but DH and I do disagree about this. We also disagree about what I pay for "good" dogfood - extravagant in his eyes. And - he's made comments that he would NEVER pay X dollars for a severe medical issue for a dog.... but.... if it came to it - he'd do it. He might crab about it... but he'd NEVER oppose me in what was the right thing to do for a dog.

[ZoomDoggy]

Thankfully, vet bills are not a thing we even discuss. We simply do what we feel is right. This actually means I do what I feel is right, but that's not to say hubby has no say in the matter, just that he trusts my judgement, as the dogs are primarily my territory. I can't imagine being with someone who would toss jabs at me about vet bills, especially vet bills for a beloved pet who is fighting cancer. Unfathomable. Even if finances were especially tight, the jabs are not helpful in any way, nor would they change my vet-related decisions in the future.

[Guest BlackandBrindle]

Not to play devil's advocate here, but I'm sure everyone is completely stressed out with Dempsey's illness and subsequent treatment.

 

Most men are less likely to be able to vocalize these feelings.

 

Your husband sees your heart breaking every day and your normal existence has been put on hold. This is hard for him.

 

He's probably misplacing a lot of his feelings (things I would assume are helplessness, worry, stress...) and focusing on money instead.

 

It doesn't make it right, but it makes it more understandable. Your husband loves you and want you to be heartwhole.

 

Tell him honestly how you feel. Try not to get defensive or angry and he is more likely to actually listen to what you are saying. Tell him if you have to fight about money, there will come a time and place for it, but right now is not that time.

 

Hugs to everyone I cannot even pretend to imagine what you are going through.

[seeh2o]

He spoke his peace about it when you two were trying to decide how to proceed. You BOTH made the choice to move forward with the treatment. He was part of the decision making process. I'm sure you were both keenly aware the consequences of your decision, financial sacrifices.

 

Now he needs to keep his "buyers remorse" to himself. His remarks are not helpful to you, to him or to your relationship. He needs to find a way to make peace with it and not by making passive aggressive snarky remarks. It's time for all of you to move forward.

 

This is the kind of stuff that crumbles the foundation of a relationship...long slow chipping away.

 

Not to play devil's advocate here, but I'm sure everyone is completely stressed out with Dempsey's illness and subsequent treatment.

 

Most men are less likely to be able to vocalize these feelings.

 

Your husband sees your heart breaking every day and your normal existence has been put on hold. This is hard for him.

 

He's probably misplacing a lot of his feelings (things I would assume are helplessness, worry, stress...) and focusing on money instead.

 

It doesn't make it right, but it makes it more understandable. Your husband loves you and want you to be heartwhole.

 

Tell him honestly how you feel. Try not to get defensive or angry and he is more likely to actually listen to what you are saying. Tell him if you have to fight about money, there will come a time and place for it, but right now is not that time.

 

Hugs to everyone I cannot even pretend to imagine what you are going through.

 

I have to completely agree with what BlackandBrindle posted. I admit that my back goes up against the wall when passive aggressive behavior comes into the picture. It makes be become very concrete and try to be as clear as possible, so if my response above sounds a bit "tough love"-like, that's where it comes from. All viewed and processed through our our filters.

 

I'm so sorry for what you and your family are going through. Please take good care of yourselves.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited for clarification.

Edited April 2, 2008 by ckruzan

[BrGreyhndz]

We all have to make our own choices in life.

 

My husband and I have never question what we have spent on our dogs. Chloe had cost us a fair amount over the years $3k for her nerve embolism diagnosis and treatment when she was 5 and Christmas this year was another $1500 for a toe amputation at 12 year old- various other costs over the years.

 

I think it was a couple of thousand when we put Nate down when he broke his leg due to osteo.

 

Generally, my DH will listen to my choices in the dogs' care and I tend to be quite realistic in what I would do and when. Nate's leg has really helped me in my choices with cancer in a older dog- and even with the knowledge from that experience- each dog is different- what was the right choice for him may not be the right choice for the next dog.

 

We both love our dogs and do our best to do right by them. Are there times that we rather not spend the money? Sure. Do car repairs often come at the same time- of course- it never rains but pours but we do our best to work together.

 

Best of luck with your dog and family.

[Greytlady94]

I'm so sorry you are going through this stress with your DH on top of the stress of Dempsey's osteo.

 

I would have a serious talk with DH. You both went into this, and to throw it up to you now is dirty pool. Tell him how much this hurts you, but if he must fight about money, now is not the time.

 

 

 

 

[Guest mandm]

My husband does not believe in house pets. Thinks there is no reason to keep a dog unless you were a hunter, which he is not. But he knows that that greyhounds keep ME happy, healthy & sane. And so he views the vet bills like he views noninsured dental bills, painful but necessary. Maybe you could tell him that the vet expense is necessary for YOUR well being.

[iluvgreys]

Sorry you have to deal with the added stress and ugliness from your DH over vet bills. BTDT with ex's and it's difficult at best. Be strong for Demps and stick to your guns. You have his best interests at heart.

[Guest Cris_M]

Generally, one of the things that is most important to men is to be a protector. With all the swirl of emotions going on in your house, he probably feels like he isn't doing a very good job in this role. He can't make Dempsey well; he can't bring you back the joy you lost when Dempsey became ill; and, he can't pay for everything that will make your life easy. Maybe, it is time to remind him that you know he loves Dempsey, that you appreciate his emotional support during this trying time, and that the financial choice he made to treat Dempsey's illness takes care of you in a way that means more to you than having every creature comfort available. Let him know that he is protecting you in the way you most need.

 

I know this is hard. When Gabriel was ill, so much of my energy went into him. There was little left over to stroke Kirk's ego. Things that could easily be fixed during good times, seemed to expand exponentially and we were both left raw and hurting. When I took the time to let Kirk know that I appreciated his support and love, that I needed this time to grieve and care for Gabriel, and that there would come a time when things would get back to normal, we both were better off.

 

My heart and prayers go out to you.

[Guest md7nd]

hmm, well...guess i'm going to walk into the "lions den" here. I'm not sure what a DH is, I'm going to take a wild guess and take that I'm one but so far, I agree with most of the posts, especially BlackandBrindle.

You guys have agreed on a lot of things, but hard times are coming to a lot of people, and things have changed when you both agreed to this. I think you need to tell him like it is, be totally honest and then tell him to think about it. Leave him with the grey for a few and you get away. Then come back and and tell him that you love him and thank him for being there.

 

Just cause we are guys, women sometimes forget that we do look after the small things, we just forget some of the bigger and just need a to get us right again

 

My most best wishes and my prayers!

 

Matt

[Guest KennelMom]

My DH and I are equal partners in the dogs - he loves them as much (though he argues more ) than I do. We may discuss or debate the care options, but never the price. We do what is best for our animal - cat, dog or rabbit. My animals are not just my pets, they are a vital part of my life and I knew I would always choose a husband who felt the same way I did about those things....so I did So, it sounds like you are in a different boat than I am, in this case.

 

Money is probably the #1 cause of arguments in marriage (I think I read that somewhere ). We've certainly had disagreements about money in the past (do we really "need" another gaming system??? Or do we really "need" those new dog collars )...Some possibilities that pop to mind is that your dog really just isn't that important to your DH (or "worth" the amount of money you spent on his care), or he has some other issues going on (i.e. jealousy over a sick dog 'taking away' your time, energy and emotion.). Maybe he had to sacrifice something he's been wanting to buy so that your dog could have surgery which has led to some resentment. If you truly are in a financial bind b/c of vet bills, he may just be needing to vent about it a bit to release some stress....Perhaps you should talk to him and truly find out why he's behaving this way. Ultimately, if he just "went along with it" to make you happy, then he needs to shut up. He *had* his chance to make a different decision. And he didn't. It's not fair to say: go ahead and spend X amount of money...and then months later use it to make the other person feel bad...*especially* when the money was spent extending your dog's life, which is obviously very important to you.

[Guest ss556]

Short and to the point: My DH would question the money involved - I would not - I would "win" and do what I wanted to do when it comes to Alan.

[Devotion]

Heather,

 

You are a wonderful person and have done an incredible job with your sweet Dempsey.

Unfortunatley, I think what you are going through is not that uncommon. But gently remind him you both went it this together, you are WAY into it now. And finally, JMO don't ever live your life with any regrets. It makes for negativie energy later.

I think it's true men tend to be the protectors. May be this has been way emotional for him too. My thoughts are with you Heather.

 

Pam

[CaliforniaGreys]

My husband does not believe in house pets. Thinks there is no reason to keep a dog unless you were a hunter, which he is not. But he knows that that greyhounds keep ME happy, healthy & sane. And so he views the vet bills like he views noninsured dental bills, painful but necessary. Maybe you could tell him that the vet expense is necessary for YOUR well being.

That's a strange attitude your husband has about house pets, but he sure deserves a lot of respect for respecting you!!

[ShantisMom]

Finances I think are always hot buttons on people. I would guess you are feeling the hit of the state of the economy as is everyone. It makes everyone a bit uneasy. As MaryJo said, there may be a lot of misplaced feelings. And to add to it "Murphys Law". Everything that can hit you, is going to at the same time.

 

You guys made a choice. Does it hurt you financially, emotionally and just about every other way? Yes. I think if it were not the dog, it would be the brakes and something else. At least it would be in my house. Take it with a grain of salt, and tell him it is hurting you to keep hearing about it. I am sure you know what this is doing to you without him harping on it.

 

Right now we are going through a lot of money on Shanti, and we are not near done. Does DH cringe, yes. Does he make smart aleck comments, yes. Would it actually change his course, NO. I think it is a guys way of dealing with it. They do it so differently than us.

 

On one of his smart aleck days I asked him point blank...What do you want? Do you want her to be put down? He said absolutely not! This is something we can hopefully fix and control so we do it. Again, I think it is their way of dealing and processing what they can't control.

 

Hang in there! We will be thinking of you.

[Guest lotsagreys4me]

Hey, maybe I'm the lucky one here. I don't have a husband to quibble with over the cost of things. Sure makes my life easier.

[queenwinniesmom]

I would add my sympathy that you are dealing with multiple stresses, and my aggreement with a lot of the advice, especially blackandbrindle. I think it's unrealistic to assume that money cannot and does not play a part in our decisions concerning our pets (or anything else, for that matter). If only we all had the luxury of not having to take that into consideration. But I know very few people (if any) to whom money is no object. During our first experience with cancer (Patsy's lymphosarcoma), we were overwhelmed by the cost of the preferred course of action, which was chemo. It seemed totally beyond our reach. But we together made the decision to proceed, and were helped financially by some wonderful Greyhound friends (and wonderful strangers as well!). We lost our precious girl anyway, halfway through the chemo, but we never regretted the decision. I have to say that my DH is more pragmatic than I am about taking heroic measures. But I feel that if we were faced with this kind of decision again, it would be a lot like what others have described. I would want to to whatever was necessary--- depending on what was right for that particular dog, of course---and he would agree, reluctantly or otherwise. However stressed he may get about our financial situation, I feel that his guilt and regret for not doing everything we could would over-power the money concerns. It comes down---like I always tell people dealing with cancer---to making a decision, and moving forward, not second guessing yourself, and knowing what is right for your dog. But that also includes knowing what is right for you as well.

Sending hugs to you and Dempsey.

Edited April 2, 2008 by queenwinniesmom

[Guest BooMooandDoo]

Wow, reading this thread made me love my DH even more. Neither of us EVER question how much we spend on the dogs. Our dogs are our children and we agreed to give them the best care possible when we adopted them. We quibble about finances, but never once has the cost of vet bills been brought up.

 

I am very sorry that you're going through this, but I agree with Michelle. . . . tell your hubby to drop it, or shut his pie hole.

[CaliforniaGreys]

Like lotsagreys, I too have no one to answer to. Just the dogs....but what I find sad here is that you are under enough stress dealing with illness and caring for your boy. And for someone, anyone to add to that stress is just not right.Maybe your dh just needs a reality smack. I really do hope things get better, you deserve more. Thanks for taking good care of Dempsey. I'm sure he loves and appreciates you

[Guest HeatherDemps]

Thank you everyone for your words and support. I am calmer today. Mostly I think because Dempsey's oncology appointment went well today- lungs are still clear and the doctor's report is that he looks "fantastic". I about wanted to cry or throw up in relief! Brake replacement was less than I anticipated which is good because the vet bill was higher than expected! I will pick the right time to talk calmly with DH- who has also been more supportive today.

[Guest vahoundlover]

Thank you everyone for your words and support. I am calmer today. Mostly I think because Dempsey's oncology appointment went well today- lungs are still clear and the doctor's report is that he looks "fantastic". I about wanted to cry or throw up in relief! Brake replacement was less than I anticipated which is good because the vet bill was higher than expected! I will pick the right time to talk calmly with DH- who has also been more supportive today.

 

 

I'm glad Dempseys' appt went well!!

 

Sometimes when we are under a lot of stress, we say things in ways that come across harsher than what we really mean....I hope that's the case with your DH