I Did The Unthinkable

[cathys01]

[jamngrey]

my heart goes out to you....I can understand cause I had a situation and had to end it the same way and I feel as you do.....It has been 2 1/2yrs The best advice is you MUST black it out and fill your mind with good thoughts.

You are a great loving and caring person and sometimes we have to make hard decisions. Hugs to you

[Guest BAColeNC]

Millicent, my DW and I only knew you for a very brief period of time, but I know that you are one of the most caring people on the planet for our four legged companions. As someone else posted they are now at peace, and waiting for you at the bridge with love in their hearts for you.

 

God speed little ones.

 

Forgive yourself Millicent, honor them by remembering them fondly, not tearing yourself up over this.

 

Brian

[Guest KyGrey]

[Guest Maire]

I'm so very sorry that you had to go through this- I know how you feel because I've had to do that too, under similar circumstances and with much the same frustration and regret. I swear that cat knew exactly what I was doing--I don't know how and it still can upset me . What finally helped me was realizing that I had done all I could, that some circumstances were just unmanageable for them and for you. They couldn't change their behavior anymore than you could change it for them. I've had to just grieve that I had no other choice to make and than get on with the things that you and I love to do-----giving another little creature a chance in this rough world, like they had theirs. It will smooth over in time. We wouldn't feel so much if we weren't loving and caring people. Throw yourself into some kind of donation of your time or effort in a rescue group & pass it on.......I promise it will be better-----hang on and forgive them and yourself for having to go through this. Anytime we give of ourselves to an animal I'm afraid ther'es some sadness coming at some end--that's the deal. WE'RE OKAY!! I just glad you felt comfortable to call on your friends here , it's a great site because we all understand! We're THE RESCUERS CLUB and sometimes it just plain hurts a lot !

[Guest Houndmama]

I thank you all so much for your kind words of encouragement and support. As a person who continually rescues animals in peril, killing one so offends my sensibilities as to be unimaginable. Without question, taking the lives of these 3 of God's beloved creatures was the single worst experience of my entire life. I pray that all is as I believe it to be . . . that they went peacefully, painlessly and are now waiting for me with my other 11 furkids at the bridge. I pray that they knew how deeply and completely I loved them, marking habits and all.

 

I am feeling a little better today and am deeply thankful for that. I have had so many experiences in the past 2 days that have made me more aware than ever that I have been living as a hostage under seige. It will take a while to truly settle in to this newfound freedom. For instance, UPS delivered a package to me yesterday. My first thought upon bringing it into the house was that I must immediately put it in the closet so that it wouldn't get sprayed. I still get startled when I walk past the guest room and office where those doors are open. A little piece of me panics at the thought that a cat might get in there and spray again. A friend came over and sat her purse down on the dog crate and I immediately thought to tell her that she needed to keep it with her on the sofa so that it wouldn't get sprayed. And so on . . . it has been horrible and I am just now realizing the toll it has taken on my right to the quiet and peaceful enjoyment of my home. Only folks who have lived in the hell of an animal indescriminately eliminating in your home could understand. And being the neat, clean freak that I am, it has been doubly torturous for me. I am so unwilling to have my home smell like animals live here that I have nearly killed myself trying to manage the problem. Once I treat the living room thoroughly enough to eliminate the odor (it will take multiple steps), I will re-treat the rest of the house one more time. Then it will be over.

 

So . . . I am beginning to feel the relief. I have had so much support from friends and family, reminding me that I did everything that I could to spare the lives of those kitties. I can't think of a single other thing that I could have done. I am trying to remember that so that I can move on without the guilt. I think I am witnessing the relief of the 2 remaining cats. Initially, they were pretty confused as they walked from room to room looking for the others. Logan will deeply miss Sage. They were buddies and groomed each other. Ellie will miss Loki because they were play buddies who loved to roll around on the floor together, play fighting. No one but me will miss Sophie, the hellion that didn't like any other cats. She was the one that started it all and I should have had her put down immediately but, having never had the experience of cats spraying, I didn't know that it would start a dominoe effedt that would end in tragedy. She and Sage were littermates and I couldn't take his sister away from him. This past week though, she was spitting at and attacking him. I think maybe there were just too many animals in this house for her to ever adjust and she ruined it for the others. If you go to the Fun Run Page link under my signature and go to page 2, you can see their photos. I took their names off my signature but haven't had the heart to remove their photos from my gallery page yet.

 

On this Thanksgiving Day, I am deeply grateful for all of you who took the time to read of my despair, offer hope, support and encouragement and open your hearts to share my pain. I can't tell you how important it has been through this process and how I will reflect on your posts over and over, as I need strength to get through the difficult moments certain to come for a while yet.

 

Thank you so very much. You are a wonderful group of friends to me and I appreciate you more than you know. What dogs have joined together, let no man put asunder.

[Guest lauri]

I couldn't imagine going through what you went through! I can understand your guilt, but Hell! You were, in a way, a hostage in your own home! I can totally relate to euthanizing instead of new homes. I know someone very well who had a lab that was completely out of hand. They were beginning the 'hostage' thing. They had the dog to a few different trainers, even someone I know that trains hunting dogs and is very good and personable with animals. This man said basically it wasn't going to change. It had some wires crossed or something. Instead of finding a new home and having the dog possibly mistreated for his actions, they made the choice of euthanization. It was really hard and even the man, a big manly man, cried...for awhile.

 

It's sad, but sometimes these decisions are the best.

 

Try and have a great holiday season...

[Guest shirl]

[Guest JenZ]

Millicent, I am so sorry! I remember talking to you 2 years ago, before Dewey '02 I think, and listening to everything you were doing to try and stop the friction with the cats. To work with them for so many years... it is more than most people would have done!

 

 

Hugs to you and your crew...

 

Jen

[Guest seniorhoundlover]

Be at peace. The kitties are.

[floydieboy]

Sorry, I had to put my two cents (well sorta) in, this thread has been on my mind all day. It sounds like you did a lot but what about a no kill animal shelter?

I too had this problem with one male cat. Luckily, I moved (almost was sued for the damage he did for the place I had rented). 6 years later, haven't had one problem with him and he is more like a dog than any of my greys have been (he follows me everywhere)!

Also, there are people out there that will take animals with behavioral problems. I know a woman that has her screened porch dedicated to cats with spraying issues. It stinks out there but she deals with it.

And, there is Best Friends Animal Society in Utah.

Just some random thoughts...maybe this info could help someone else in a situation that is similar.

[Guest Houndmama]

The no kill shelters I know of are worse than death. Cats and dogs languish for way too long because there are way too many of them and not enough adopters. After having lived here in kitty wonderland for their entire lives, I would never have subjected these beloveds to life in a crate or a room full of cats spraying stress chemicals all over. The vet thinks Loki was 14 or 15 years old. He could never have made such an adjustment.

 

Best Friends would be a wonderful idea but not practical. How would I get them there? Fly them? The closest airport to Best Friends is a 3 hour drive from the sanctuary. Who would accompany them, rent a car and make the drive? And would Best Friends even take them without a dowry? Since these cats had been in the habit of spraying for over 2 years and would likely be unadoptable, probably not. At any rate, that idea was not even a remote possibility for me at this point in my life. I have 7 other pets who need my care. I can't even manage to leave town for a weekend for a desperately needed vacation, much less a trip to Utah to try and troubleshoot this impossible situation with a questionably acceptable solution.

 

I can't think of one single thing that I didn't consider and/or try. Of that, I am sure and I'm satisfied that I stuck it out far longer than anyone else I know in the world. I contacted every animal rescue person that I know in a 3 county area to try and find one of those folks you speak of who don't care that cats spray up their homes. No one would recommend that environment and the cat rescue folks thought that it would be even more stressful for them to have to try and carve out a territory for themselves in such a place. They weren't impressed by those kinds of people.

 

Believe me, you have no earthly idea how painful this experience has been. I have cried all week, been unable to work, sleep, eat or function. I have been on such an emotional rollercoaster of torture because neither option was one that I felt that I could survive. It was a dilemma unlike any other that I have known in my nearly 50 years of life. The pain has been nearly unbearable. Even now, 4 full days later, I am still a basket case. My emotions are right on the surface and it takes nothing for me to have a meltdown. The memories, the routines, the places where I expect to see them, the deafening quiet at cat feeding time, etc. has been too difficult to endure. I have been in a deep dark place of the soul. I am still praying for someone to say that one thing that will give me a completely different perspective that will afford me some peace with the decision. I loved these cats beyond measure.

[Guest dngrpronedaf]

I'm so sorry Millicent....I really don't know what to say. I'll pm you.

[Tracey]

I am so sorry for your pain and for all you have gone through. I am sure you exhausted every possible option available to you and did all you could.

[Guest auntiesara]

I'm so sorry. The poor kitties wpuld not have been adoptable. I have an acquaintance who takes in ill cats. To tell the truth when you meet her you smell a catbox odor. I know the smell is hard to get out of your house. Just think of them playing at the Bridge. I bellieve they fprgive you and know you love them. If you had made them outdoor cats they might have suffered a horrible end. We're here for you....

 

Sara

[Guest adriahna]

Millicent, please know that the vast majority of us, who are knowledgeable "animal people", are behind you in this matter. You did what you could, that much is certainly clear. Those cats weren't at peace, and you tried your best to find out, and solve, the root of the problem. Please don't doubt yourself. I am entirely supportive of your decision - a difficult one, to say the least. But I feel you did the right thing.

[Laur]

Please don't beat yourself up anylonger. You did everything you could for as long as you could. Nobody can ask for more than that. It was a long, painful, well thought out decision. There were no other options.

[Guest Fawn_Molly]

Hi - I've just read this thread and I'm convinced you did the right thing.

 

I used to have 3 lady cats and a cat flap for them which went out into the garden. Unfortunately a tom cat found his way into the house through the cat flap and sprayed in our living room. The stench was absolutely unbelievable and I was frantic trying to locate it and clean up. I'm not houseproud in the slightest but, oh my, that smell! I had to bolt the cat flap for quite some time to prevent him coming in again.

 

If you've lived with that kind of cat smell for so long, well hey, you deserve a medal. Much as I love animals I could not have tolerated cat pee in the house. An occasional accident is one thing, but spraying like that must have been purgatory. Dog pee and poo, that's a different matter; it doesn't have the same smell at all and I don't have any problem whatsoever cleaning up after a dog.

 

Someone up there gave you the guidance and courage to do what had to be done. Also, that someone up there wanted you to enjoy your home and make more of your life again.

 

[Guest CindiLuvsGreys]

[Guest caiteag]

I have tried very hard to keep quiet on this thread. I have very strong opinions on this one, but as this lovely lady is obviously in a great deal of pain over her decision, I have tried to be respectful of her and her pain by not commenting. However, adriahna made a comment I cannot sit here and ignore:

 

Millicent, please know that the vast majority of us, who are knowledgeable "animal people", are behind you in this matter. 

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This is an assumption you are not qualified to make. I am sure there are a lot of us here who are "knowledgable animal people" who don't think this was the right decision. Yes, it seems that a number of people are supportive of this decision, and they have every right to be. However, don't assume that everyone or even most people who are "knowledgable animal people" are going to agree with this choice. And don't assume that everyone who is supportive is a "knowledgable animal person"

 

If you want to say you support her, that is perfectly fine... just don't make sweeping comments for people whose opinion you don't know, or implied assessments of people's knowledge level based on their opinion in this matter. I am not saying this to be rude or hurtful... simply to say that this is an unfair statement.

 

editted to fix quotation problems.

Edited December 2, 2004 by caiteag

[Guest Houndmama]

I have tried very hard to keep quiet on this thread. I have very strong opinions on this one, but as this lovely lady is obviously in a great deal of pain over her decision, I have tried to be respectful of her and her pain by not commenting. However, adriahna made a comment I cannot sit here and ignore:

 

Millicent, please know that the vast majority of us, who are knowledgeable "animal people", are behind you in this matter. 

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This is an assumption you are not qualified to make. I am sure there are a lot of us here who are "knowledgable animal people" who don't think this was the right decision.

 

 

 

Can you please share the other options I should have tried? I would truly love to know because that would allow me to help others who may one day find themselves living in this turmoil. In my mind, I tried everything humanly possible, short of setting them up for potential abuse in another environment. I am open to hearing of any successful methods that I didn't try, short of living in the stench of cat spray and assuring that my home could never be sold.

[Guest caiteag]

Can you please share the other options I should have tried?  I would truly love to know because that would allow me to help others who may one day find themselves living in this turmoil.  In my mind, I tried everything humanly possible, short of setting them up for potential abuse in another environment.  I am open to hearing of any successful methods that I didn't try, short of living in the stench of cat spray and assuring that my home could never be sold.

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I really wasn't meaning to be hurtful to you... I was only commenting on her saying that "knowledgable animal people" would all agree to this decision and I am simply saying that said assumption was unfair.

 

The truth is, I don't know what I would have done in your shoes. I truly don't. I don't think I could have made the choice you did.. but that doesn't mean, had I been in that situation that I wouldn't have. I am just saying that she made a pretty broad based assumption that I didn't think was fair. As for the choices you made, I believe you did the best you could with the horrible situation you were in. Would I have done the same thing? I truly don't know.. I don't think so... but you never know what choices you will make until you are in a situation... I certainly don't think ill of you for what you chose to do... again... my comment wasn't directed to you.. it was simply that she made a fairly sweeping statement that I took objection to.. I am SOOOO truly sorry if it came across any differently. I was trying to be careful with my wording, but sometimes online things just don't come out the way they were meant to.

[Guest graggys7greyts]

You need to stop beating yourself up about the decision you had to make!!! You did everything possible. You did more than most would have even tried to do for the kitties. Sometimes life does not give us more options than the ones we have already tried and sometimes even after all those options, we fail ourselves and our expectations of what we can do. Please have peace with yourself.

[DianeFG]

I'm so sorry. {{hugs}}

[Guest Vicky]

Dear Houndmama,

 

You must stop beating yourself up. You had no other choice, as you said, if you found other homes for them, they may have been abused or dumped......

 

Maybe part of your guilt is that they were your beloved mother's pets. I know when my dear mother-in-law died we adopted her Silky. He was mean and nasty and not housebroken. When we had to do the same thing, DH felt very guilty that he was somehow betraying his mother who worshiped that dog.

 

When we cleaned her house after she died, we tore up the carpets in every room and were horrified that every carpet was so badly soiled.........the hardwood floors underneath were almost destroyed.

 

We came to the conclusion she must have aired out the place and sprayed air freshener throughout before we came to visit.

 

You gave them years more life than they would have had if you had not be there for them. What would have happened to them if your mother had gone into a home and didn't have you or if you had said no to taking them in?

 

You gave it more than a college try, you did the right thing. In all honesty, I don't know if I could have lasted as long as you did.

 

Vicky