I Did The Unthinkable

[Guest Houndmama]

Yesterday I did the unthinkable. I had 3 of my cats put to sleep. I can't find peace with the decision and feel like I am going to jump out of my skin from the pain. I haven't been able to stop crying and I will never feel the same way about myself again. I am now a murderer.

 

I inherited these cats from my mother when she entered a retirement home 4 years ago. Loki was her constant companion for 7 years, walked on a leash, traveled everywhere with her and was her heart. It took him 2 years to adjust to moving in with me but he was in love with me now. He slept by my head at night, purring and happy to be near me. He wanted to sit in my lap or sit by me on the arm of the sofa. He was 10+ years old and was a sweetheart.

 

The other 2 were tabby littermates. Sophie was a tiny little female who was bossy and picked fights with the others constantly. She tortured Higgins, one of my beloved cats, until I gave him to my best friend to get him out of the war zone. I still miss him and cry about him to this day. Sage was a lover who loved being touched more than anything in this world. He would sit by anyone who came in this house and repeatedly tap them with his paw if they stopped petting him. He was a love.

 

Two years ago, they started spraying my house. I had them all tested for physical causes and there were none. I consulted animal communicators, tried DAP pheromone diffusers, bought a carpet shampooer, paid to have my carpet shampooed every 6 weeks for the past 2 years, bought so many gallons of Simple Solution that I couldn't count them, tried every other brand of odor eliminator, treated, retreated, retreated, and retreated. Finally, when I got the odor out of their 2 favorite rooms to spray, I just closed the doors. Then when I needed to work in the office, I would have to shut myself up in here. When I had a guest, I had to make sure that they kept the door to their room shut. If I allowed a cat in either room, they would spray. I thought I had the battle won until night before last. I smelled the telltail odor in the living room. Out came the blacklight to reveal that they were going to town in there, spraying my fabric furniture, my Bose speakers, the fireplace, the barrister bookcase, every single corner of the room, etc., etc. That was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. I knew that I would never win the battle. My mother gave me her full support to put them down because she knows that I have spent nearly $5000 in 2 years on this problem.

 

Within the past 3 months, these cats had their annual physicals, dentals, blood panels, etc. and were absolutely healthy. I killed healthy animals whose only crime was being true to their nature. My heart is splitting wide open. I am overwhelmed with guilt and shame. I am mad at God for not giving me another option, for not making them stop destroying my home, for not taking them from this world another way. I feel like I am going to die from the pain.

 

I have the most tender heart of anyone I know when it comes to animals. I rescue, not kill, them. Everyone I know is very supportive because they know the hell I have been through with this situation but nothing anyone has said has brought me any peace. I need a different perspective.

 

If I had given them away, I would have subjected them to being abused when they started spraying elsewhere. Having lived inside all their lives, they would have had a terrible adjustment to being 'barn cats', if they could have adjusted at all. I don't think living outside at large is safe anyway. My mom's heart kitty had no front claws (she rescued him that way) so he couldn't live outside. He had a difficult time adjusting when he moved here I fear that, at his age, he would have grieved himself to death had I moved him to yet another home. AND he peed on the floor so finding a home for him would have been impossible.

 

I just ran out of options. After lying awake all night, praying for strength, I shut my heart yesterday morning, put them in carriers and dropped them off at the vet. I didn't have the courage to hold them in my arms and love them out of this world like I should have. I am overwhelmed with guilt and regret about that now and I can't stand the thought that I wasn't there for them in their final moments. I couldn't hold them and smooch them and tell them how sorry I was before I took them in. I just had to 'not think about' what I was doing and get them in the crates and in the van. If I had tried to say goodbye, I could never have done what I did.

 

How am I going to live through this now? I can't eat. I can't work. I can't sleep. I can't stop crying. I want to go back and undo it . . . though living as a hostage in my own home was no longer an option either. I am lost. Please pray for me.

[Guest wmlcml6]

In my opinion, you need to quit thinking about it. It's only wrecking you emotionally, and it sounds like you did absolutely everything you could do to avoid making this decision. Just black it out, fill your mind with positive things, and move on because you are going to ruin your health if you don't. I know that's easier said than done, but you have to do it. If you had taken them to the animal shelter, it would have possibly given you some peace of mind that at least you didn't make the decision to PTS, but you are also correct that if they had done this in a new home, they ran the risk of being abused for it. You obviously have a big heart and you are not a bad person! I believe if you pray for comfort, and actually believe your prayer will be answered, that you will receive it.

[Guest canagreyts]

What pain you are in - you must not tear yourself up with guilt. I know this is much easier to say than do - but, you are not a murderer - you are a wonderful person who did everything humanly possible to help these three cats and in the end there weren't anymore solutions.

 

Please know you are not alone. We had a wonderful cat with the same problem, she out of the blue started peeing on everything and anything. We dealt with this problem, like you, for ages as she proceeded to wreck our house. We treated her with many different types of meds, but in the end had to let her go too.

 

You have a difficult time ahead of you, but know you are not a bad person, you did everything you could. God bless you and give you peace.

 

Patti

[Guest PeteysMom]

You are not a bad person. Please don't continue to beat yourself up over this. My mom had to do the same thing with two cats that they had. You tried everything you could to help these cats. I agree with you that if you had tried to find them new homes they could have ended up abused. Please try to forgive yourself and know that you are in our thoughts and prayers.

[Guest keegsmom]

You are not a murderer. You made the only humane decision in a terribly difficult situation. I also rescue animals and I only believe in euthanasia in extreme situations, but there are cases where an animal just is not adoptable even though it is physically healthy. In those cases we have to make a decision that is in the animals best interest even though it hurts us beyond words.

My mother has a dog that is her constant companion, they are together practically 24/7 and completely devoted to each other. She has requested that if she dies first, and if her dog cannot adjust and be happy with me or my brother, that we help her pup over the Bridge. I hope I never have to do this, but if it should happen I hope I have the strength to carry out her wishes.

Sometimes the world is just not a fair place, but I hope you can be at peace with what you had to do. Sending prayers and hugs.

[Guest raptorannie]

i know of the grief you are feeling and my heart breaks for you. however, i am inspired at the lengths you went to with these cats. you are not a terrible murderer - how many people would have gone to the extremes you went to? most would have put them out on the road or something worse. in my eyes, you are an animal guardian angel - i wish i could hug you and help stop the tears, but i know from my own experience that that will just take time. heal yourself. and know that we are all thinking of you and holding you in our hearts.

[Guest benson]

Please forgive yourself. Everybody here knows what a good person you are. You have helped so many animals. You're included in my prayers.

[Guest argolola]

Sending big hugs to you. You are a wonderful person, so please don't beat yourself up. You are loved!

[Batmom]

Houndmama, my heart goes out to you.

 

You of all people must know that not every animal can live peaceably with us. It takes more courage and more care to do as you did than it does to abandon them or take them to the pound.

 

Godspeed to the little ones, and peace to you.

[Guest loveagreybaby]

[Guest AmberDMC]

 

Please don't let yourself feel this way, forgive yourself. It was the only option, you tried everything.

[Guest KennelMom]

Millicent,

 

My heart and prayers are with you.

 

I KNOW you. I know this would have been the absolute last course of action. I have seen you work tirelessly and endlessly, spending your a lot of your own money to help animals that you don't know, but that need you. You are an angel for all the "unwanted" out there. I totally agree with Batmom's post above.

 

Please do not be too hard on yourself. You are one of the most loving and caring people I know. Please call me if you need to talk. :grouphug

[Guest littlemouse1958]

Sometimes we just run out of options. If you weren't such a kind person, having to make a decision such as this wouldn't bother you. You made the right decision.

[Jiffer]

Hugs! They are at peace and so should you be!

You did your best and they will understand that.

[Guest KaseysMom]

Please be kind to yourself. You have integrity. You have compassion. I support you in the humane action you were forced to take. They are at peace now. You have to know that. In this situation, I feel you did the right thing by dropping them off, rather than being with them.

 

I pray for you to have peace. The Lord knows your heart is in the right place.

[Guest DutchGrey]

Don't beat yourself up about this. Who knows how much they were hurting and the only way they could show it was through this peeing? After spending so much money on trying to fix this problem and thinking about rehoming and deciding against it, you have done all you can. You've made sure they would go in a humane way, and there isn't more you can do. You must only feel guilt if you do something on purpose without giving it any thought, and it wasn't like that. None of us have walked in your shoes to know enough about this, so please stand by your decision. It's hard since they were healthy physically, but who knows what they were going through in their minds. Spraying your house like that is not normal behavior. Godspeed, kitties.

[Guest crzy4grys]

I feel for you. I went trhoughthe exact same thing withmy female about 9 months a go. Meds, DAP, shampooing etc for months. LAst ditch before PTS I gave her to my mother in law. The vet belived hers was a stress induced behavior(she is very neurotic). I knew she wouldn't abuse her if she started with her. My mother in law is a a shut in , no other animals and no traffic in house( a very calm enviroment). Well so far so good, we are at 6 mos and counting.

do know as DH and all involved if she started again, then we have no options left but the one you took. She is a declawed house cat so making her an outside cat is not an option.

I dread the thought of that day coming. She is about to move a room mate in and I am scared to death that it will trigger these behaviors again, if it does I have no choice but to PTS. So I know 100 % what you are going through.

[robinw]

[Guest greyhoundobsession]

OMG. I can't imagine how much you hurt right now. Everyone here understands that you had nowhere left to turn and you made the best decision you could with the cards placed before you. Who knows what the reason is that you had to be the one to deal with such a situation, but I really believe that there is a reason for everything.

 

Animals are the most understanding and unconditionally loving creatures on this earth. Wherever those kitties are now, they still love you and I'm sure are happy to not have to live with the humiliation of having the problems they had in your home. I really believe that when they do something like that and can't help it, they feel awful. You're a wonderful person to have gathered the strength to release them from that.

 

[Guest CambridgeGrey]

Could you donate toys and blankets to a local cat rescue in their honor? Maybe bring food monthly? It doesn't honor their memory for you to be despondent. You showed them love and I'm sure they would want you to continue sharing that love now that they are gone.

[Guest GiJenn51]

OH sweetie,

 

You're not a bad person. I went through that exact thing with a cat a few months ago. My carpets were new and I did everything. He was just to stressed and it wasn't fair for him.

 

He loved me at night but he hated the days when he'd pee on anything. I know it sucks right now and your heart feels like a rock. But know deep inside you did everything that you possibly could to help them.

 

You are wonderful human being. Big hugs to you.

[Pepsi2004]

Please,try not to feel guilty about your decision - these cats (and I am a cat lover - have 3 indoor ones right now) had behavours that made it intolerable for you to live with them - you did everything in your power to resolve things. In the end, what you did was right IMHO, for you could not go on like this and placing them elsewhere would have been the ultimate betrayal - you said yourself that if you opted to do that, they would have in all likelyhood been abused and worse. I pray that you fine peace - grieve, for it is evident that you loved them and thinko of them as over the bridge, having a wonderful time!

[Guest Reesesmom]

You did what you had to do, you were out of options. Sending big hugs. You tried, you are not a bad person.

[Guest tyrian]

I'm so sorry for your loss. You did the best you could for these kitties for four years, and I hope you find peace with your decision.

 

I just wanted to add that not being with them when they crossed was the right thing to do. With a pet who is sick or in pain it can be a comfort, but sometimes, it is better for the cat or dog to be alone with a caring vet, rather than feeling their person's grief and stress.

[WileyandBadger]

My heart goes out to you