Over-attachment to one person - any advice?

[duckduckgoose]

Hi - newbie here, and apologies if this is a topic that's been done to death (although I've searched the forums and not found anything that sounds just like our situation).  Hoping someone has been through similar and can either give us some suggestions of things we haven't tried already or just some reassurance that things will get better with time!

We've had our 4 year-old boy at home for just over two months.  He came from a regular rescue charity (not grey-specific) and we were well warned he would need someone at home with him all the time at first, building up alone time gradually once he settled in.  No problem, me and my partner both work from home and we our teenage son is around most of the time outside working hours so we were confident that one of us would always be around until he was settled.  We don't have that much of a social life even outside pandemic times so we fully expected to just include him in our plans when we wanted to go somewhere together.

The reality is that he velcro-attached himself to me almost immediately on day one.  He mostly ignores my partner and son moving around in and out of the house, but he jumps up to follow me as soon as I move from a seat and gets distressed if I go out and leave him behind with other family members.  He's not destructive, he doesn't toilet in the house or bark loudly.  It's mostly just pacing and whining, but he is obviously stressed and it's also pretty distressing for the family members left in the house with him.  The longest he's been in the house without me has been about 25 minutes for an emergency grocery run.  At his worst point, he built himself up to a bit of a yelp / bark at the door; at his best, he settled on the sofa by himself for about 3 minutes with an occasional gentle whine (we have webcams downstairs and upstairs so I can see what he's been up to).

Things we're already doing / trying to do:

• Read the books (Patricia McConnell / Julie Naismith) - all the SA advice seems to start with the assumption that your dog will be fine as long as they have 'a person, any person' with them
• Exercise - usually a 45-minute walk before and after work, with some scent games / training / zoomie time in the garden mid-morning & afternoon
• Sharing care-giving responsibilities around family members
• Adaptil collar & diffuser and calming treats
• Calm departures & returns
• Giving 'special' toys / treats when I leave and taking them away again when I come back (filled Kong, Lickimat, treat balls, Benebone) - he abandons them as soon as I leave and then I have to 'swap' them for a lower-value treat to get them back when I return.  Then he loses interest in them next time around (because he associates it with being left??)
• Music (Through a Dog's Ear) / dog YouTube on the TV
• Using a movable gate / barrier to try and create some distance between us around the house (our home layout is somewhat lacking internal doors, so it's difficult to be in a 'different' room from him during the day)
• Using the gate / barrier to give him a safe / enclosed space rather than having free roam of the house (he's never been crated and it's something I'd prefer to avoid due to space issues)
• Working through Karen Overall's relaxation protocol, but we're stuck at the stage where I have to go out of sight for 5 seconds or more.

The only thing that has worked so far is giving him a squeaky rubber ball when I leave.  He will chew / squeak obsessively for up to 10 minutes (haven't tried this for longer without returning) - no pacing or whining, but just constant squeaking.  This is great if no-one else is in the house, but no good if my partner is trying to work!  And I'm not convinced that the obsessive chewing / squeaking isn't just another sign of stress.

There are things he does well.  He at least gives me some privacy and waits patiently outside the bathroom door.  He sleeps outside our bedroom and has done from his first night.  He's happy to go on walks with other family members while I stay in the house.  He even went into the vet's surgery for a check-up with no fuss (we have to stay outside the building because Covid). 

We can't take on another dog, and none of us wants to return him - he was 'bounced' once already (possibly part of the problem), so his chances of adoption get slimmer every time; plus he's 'our' dog now and he's genuinely a joy to have around in every other way.  I just need to be able to get out of the house by myself occasionally without worrying about him and the rest of my family.  

[1Moregrey]

What happens if when he comes back from a walk and you are not home?  

[greysmom]

This is an interesting article that has some ideas you may not have tried.  The "time out" object seems to be brilliant to me.

Tips for Attachment Issues

The only thing that has worked for us is anti anxiety medication when I need to leave the house.  Over the course of the last 6-8 months, she's finally gotten better about being without me and we are gradually reducing her dosage.  It *has* been hard with the Pandemic and basically being housebound for so long.  I used walks around the block, or short drives - at least daily - to try and desensitize our dog.  The other thing that helps a bit is leaving an article of my clothing with her.  As long as she can smell me she seems calmer.

[Time4ANap]

In addition to the things you are trying, have you tried putting a crate up and leaving it open so he can come and go as he wants when you are away? It may provide the safe space he needs.  We had a crate for years and just left the door open all the time.  Rocket would go in there and sleep sometimes, but mostly went in there to sunbathe when the good sunbeams were shining on it.  We've also had a crate setup a few times when new dogs were in the house, and have been surprised that some of the other dogs that we never thought would go near a crate have gone into the crate to take a nap. 

When Petunia arrived, she was miserable being here.  We quickly figured out that she needed a friend.  That's when Kate arrived and all of the pacing, panting and whining stopped immediately.  Oddly, now that Kate has passed, Petunia is perfectly fine being an only dog and actually seems to prefer it. Good luck!  He will settle in but it's still very early in his adjustment to a new life. 

[duckduckgoose]

1 hour ago, 1Moregrey said:

What happens if when he comes back from a walk and you are not home?  

Funnily enough this has just happened - I have a regular weekly commitment and we time it so my partner takes him for the evening walk just before I leave.  I was late back tonight and apparently he was absolutely fine right up until he heard the car pull into the drive.  It really does seem to be tied to leaving.

[duckduckgoose]

1 hour ago, greysmom said:

This is an interesting article that has some ideas you may not have tried.  The "time out" object seems to be brilliant to me.

Tips for Attachment Issues

The only thing that has worked for us is anti anxiety medication when I need to leave the house.  Over the course of the last 6-8 months, she's finally gotten better about being without me and we are gradually reducing her dosage.  It *has* been hard with the Pandemic and basically being housebound for so long.  I used walks around the block, or short drives - at least daily - to try and desensitize our dog.  The other thing that helps a bit is leaving an article of my clothing with her.  As long as she can smell me she seems calmer.

Thank you - definitely a few ideas I haven’t seen before here, and I like the idea of the ‘time out’ object.  Will have a closer look at the links.

[duckduckgoose]

52 minutes ago, Time4ANap said:

In addition to the things you are trying, have you tried putting a crate up and leaving it open so he can come and go as he wants when you are away? It may provide the safe space he needs.  We had a crate for years and just left the door open all the time.  Rocket would go in there and sleep sometimes, but mostly went in there to sunbathe when the good sunbeams were shining on it.  We've also had a crate setup a few times when new dogs were in the house, and have been surprised that some of the other dogs that we never thought would go near a crate have gone into the crate to take a nap. 

When Petunia arrived, she was miserable being here.  We quickly figured out that she needed a friend.  That's when Kate arrived and all of the pacing, panting and whining stopped immediately.  Oddly, now that Kate has passed, Petunia is perfectly fine being an only dog and actually seems to prefer it. Good luck!  He will settle in but it's still very early in his adjustment to a new life. 

Thank you - unfortunately we really can’t get another, but thankfully he does seem to love being here with us!

I do understand that a lot of greys love their crates.  We’d just struggle to find somewhere a grey-sized crate would work in our home (it’s a weird layout and we already have too much stuff, lol!). Will keep it in mind, though.

[Time4ANap]

9 minutes ago, duckduckgoose said:

Thank you - unfortunately we really can’t get another, but thankfully he does seem to love being here with us!

I do understand that a lot of greys love their crates.  We’d just struggle to find somewhere a grey-sized crate would work in our home (it’s a weird layout and we already have too much stuff, lol!). Will keep it in mind, though.

I get it.  We weren't planning on a second hound at the time either. We are glad we did though as it made a hige difference and Katie was awesome.  

These dogs are all about routine. You may find that you need a daily routine where you leave for a little while to get the dog used tot he idea.  Even if you just go out and get coffee.  The pandemic spoiled many of us with never having to leave the house and spoiled our dogs even more when they got used to us being here all the time. 

[1Moregrey]

1 hour ago, duckduckgoose said:

Funnily enough this has just happened - I have a regular weekly commitment and we time it so my partner takes him for the evening walk just before I leave.  I was late back tonight and apparently he was absolutely fine right up until he heard the car pull into the drive.  It really does seem to be tied to leaving.

You could build on this and just be gone when he comes back from a walk to get him used to it.  Then incorporate leaving when he is home even if it is just to go outside to get the mail or water plants.  
 

When you come back just go about your business and not make it a big deal he will get get used to it soon enough.  He might be nervous that his security blanket (you) is gone forever like he was from where you adopted him from.  Build his confidence and routine and you will be fine.  
Kids of all kinds out grow this once they feel secure. 

[HeyRunDog]

If Grace thinks I'm going out and leaving her behind she starts to whine and stand by the door but when I give her a Kong filled with kibble she'll happily lie on her bed and eat it before getting on the sofa and going to sleep. (I have a web cam so I can see what she's doing. Mostly it's ) Giving her the Kong is telling her I'm coming back and she has no need to worry.

[duckduckgoose]

4 hours ago, HeyRunDog said:

If Grace thinks I'm going out and leaving her behind she starts to whine and stand by the door but when I give her a Kong filled with kibble she'll happily lie on her bed and eat it before getting on the sofa and going to sleep. (I have a web cam so I can see what she's doing. Mostly it's ) Giving her the Kong is telling her I'm coming back and she has no need to worry.

That's definitely where I'd like to get to!  I do always leave a frozen Kong or similar food-stuffed toy, and he will show interest in it at first - but he abandons it for the pacing and whining after a minute or two then only comes back to it when I return.  Maybe I just need to change up my fillings!

[HeyRunDog]

19 hours ago, duckduckgoose said:

That's definitely where I'd like to get to!  I do always leave a frozen Kong or similar food-stuffed toy, and he will show interest in it at first - but he abandons it for the pacing and whining after a minute or two then only comes back to it when I return.  Maybe I just need to change up my fillings!

Or make the filling easier to extract 

You've only had him for two months so he will still be finding his feet and he's using you as his security blanket while he processes his new life. In six months to a year he'll be a different dog as he gets used to things and settles down.

Dogs like routine so doing the same thing every time will eventually work. Greyhounds have the annoying habit of giving the impression that the training is not working then suddenly they get it and behave as if it was their idea all along.

[MerseyGrey]

It sounds like you’re already making great progress with your boy. Your situation sounds familiar. When we adopted Buddy, we were told that he had a tendency to over-bond with people, and between my husband and I, it was me who received the lions share of Buddy’s affection. It took about six months (I think) before he stopped running to the door and trying to follow me out when I went to work. Gradually, this wore off and now now he barely even lifts his head when I go to work.
 

We have quite a repetitive routine though, and if I want to go out at any time other than ‘going to work’ time he still gets wound up. We combat this with treats to distract him and now he is more concerned that we might leave him without giving him a treat. Sometimes the progress is so slow that it’s imperceptible, but one day you’ll hopefully realise that suddenly - he’s not bothered! Having a regular routine has definitely helped…maybe you could try going out for a short walk without him before you settle down to work, increasing the time each week. Give him a treat, like a rabbit’s ear, and he will start to associate you leaving with good things, and also know that you’re not going to be long.

[StarburstC]

Thanks for posting! I'm in almost the exact same situation with my grey that I adopted 4 months ago. This thread has been really helpful for ideas and what to expect as I keep at the training. Good luck!