The Hardest Decision In My Life

[Guest seej]

This is SeeJ's mommy. I posted "heart based tumor" last week.

 

I wish I had better news to share with you.

 

We did the drainage procedure last Thursday. It went really well and SeeJ stopped diarrhea the next week. His appetite never really came back though and he was eating half of what he used to eat. Then on Tuesday the diarrhea came back. Wednesday he threw up and started peeing in the house. We'd take him out every couple of hours and he still can't hold it. On Thursday he had diarrhea in the house. On Friday we brought him back to vet to check his heart and found once again his heart was filled with fluid.

 

On vet's suggestion we drove to Tufts ER. There the cardiologist evaluated SeeJ's case. They chouldn't tell which type of tumor it is. It could be Hemangiosarcoma but it's not in the location it usually occur. It could be Chemodectoma but the fluid buildup shouldn't be this fast. Another possibility is thyroid cancer that migrated to his heart. Diagnosing which kind is costly and some could be invasive. At that point my husband and I thought it really doesn't make any difference and what we wanted is really making SeeJ suffer less. We opted having him drained again and brought him home with us.

 

Now we are facing the hardest decision in our life. Unfortunately the whole family is going to be out of town next week. This is not a trip we can cancel. I am considering putting SeeJ to sleep if we don't see any improvement on SeeJ's part and the fluid builds up fast again(we are going back to recheck him on Monday). I feel that is the sign that he won't be able to pull through this. My worst fear is SeeJ will suffer and die when we are not with him. My husband thinks I am irrational. He doesn't want to give up yet.

 

As for SeeJ, he is still the most loving dog in the world and he comes to us asking for pet. When I looked at him in his eyes I just can't stop crying. How can you ever make such a decision???

[Guest Stripeyfan]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish it could have been better news, too. Many hugs.

[heartdogs]

I'm sorry you are going thru this. It has been said that a say too soon is better than a day too late. I would think this is a painful way to be for SeeJ & personally I hate to see any of my dogs in pain. Goos luck with whichever way you go.

[galgrey]

I'm so sorry you didn't get better news. It is truly the most difficult of decisions and one that I've had to make three heart wrenching times in my lifetime with dogs.

[Batmom]

I'm sorry you're facing this.

 

Sending hugs.

[Guest Energy11]

So sorry you are going through this. As they do say, better a day sooner than later. Until you know if the fluid is back, all you can do is take it day by day.

 

Sending hugs and many prayers!

[JohnF]

So sorry to hear that things are not going well. It is the most achingly difficult thing deciding if and when to let them go and all of us look for 'signs' that tell us when enough is enough. Ove the years I've always thought I wouldn't be able to do it when my dogs were calling on that last loving act of care that we can give them, but always it has come as a timely realization that that time is actually now and I love my dogs enough to be able to ask the vet to send them to a better place. Consider asking your vet when they feel you ought to be thinking about that decision, ask them if your dog is in pain or misery that cannot be mitigated, ask them for a home visit when you decide. You have gone that extra mile and more for your dog so there cannot possibly be any blame. If you are to be away just for a day then perhaps the vet can look after your dog during that time, they certainly will not let your dog suffer or be alone. Good luck, there is is always a way to get through this kind of thing.

Edited May 1, 2010 by JohnF

[Guest SusanP]

:grouphug I'm so sorry you're all going through this. What does his vet say? Is there a chance they can do anything to change the situation? If not, I would feel as you do about it. again.

[CaliforniaGreys]

It's a decision made out of pure love.

 

Prayers for strength

[Guest happygrey]

:grouphug

 

I remember having to decide to put my beloved Rebecca after her congestive heart failure got so bad that she was in crisis. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

 

No real advice but tons of hugs.

[DaisyDoodle]

I'm so sorry you and SeeJ are going through this.

 

If you haven't already, please contact Ohio State immediately as folks recommended in your other thread. They can most likely give you more information on the likelihood of it being each type of cancer and what the prognosis is, given how quickly the heart sac re-filled with fluid.

[Guest seej]

I already called them. They don't have any suggestion.

 

I'm so sorry you and SeeJ are going through this.

 

If you haven't already, please contact Ohio State immediately as folks recommended in your other thread. They can most likely give you more information on the likelihood of it being each type of cancer and what the prognosis is, given how quickly the heart sac re-filled with fluid.

[Guest Smiley]

I am so very sorry. It's an incredibly painful and personal choice, but know that you and Seej are close in my thoughts and heart. Sending you both many hugs.

[Guest rachelee]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

We had to put our cat down a couple of months ago. The "when" question is so hard. I agree with some of the others who said a day early is better than late.

[45MPHK9]

sending hugs.

[Guest Gingergrey]

I know how very hard the decision is. You will know in your gut when there is no more hope. Hugs to you and your hound.

[Guest Samantha]

Sending Love & Hugs.

[beledi]

I am so sorry you are in this painful place. Hugs

[Guest EmbersDad]

the love you have for seej will see you thru this. if he doesnt improve, you owe it to him to do the right thing....for him...not for you. it may rock you to your very foundation, but seej will be counting on you. stay strong. we are here for you.

Edited May 1, 2010 by EmbersDad

[Guest hlpnhounds]

I am so sorry you are going through this and I must tell you that I completly understand how you are feeling.

I went through a similar situation in the same type of time frame (out of town plans that could NOT be cancelled or rescheduled just as this was all going on) This was involving my lab mix, Minnie, who was 14 years old and one of the best and sweetest dogs we've ever known. She was our first true rescue dog---we'd had her since she was found at ~ 9 months old, skin and bone and dumped into someone's garbage and left for dead. My sister found her and we took her in and she was the best and most wonderful dog.

 

When she started to show signs of slowing down, I had her checked out very thoroughly---x-rays and cardiac work-up.....she was found to be in the beginning stages of congestive heart failure. We followed Dr's orders for the most part but would still let her play and run in the back yard if SHE initiated play since that was what she loved most !! Chasing tennis balls. What used to be endless trips back and forth and back and forth across the length of the yard eventually made its way down to rolling the ball across the small patio or just letting her catch it when tossed directly to her. All too soon, even that seemed to become too much for her after just a couple of tosses.

 

A decision needed to be made.....we had this weekend trip coming up and she was to be boarded where I work (I am a veterinary technician and have worked in 24-hour referral/emergency medicine for quite a while now) so she would be watched over carefully but.....I could not bear the thought of being 400 miles away and getting that phone call that she was in distress and that it was time to help her cross the bridge. I could not and would not leave her to die alone. I made her a promise when we brought her here to live with us as I have with all of my animals that they WILL NOT take that last journey or breathe their last breath without being in the arms of the people that love them.

We made the decision to schedule her euthanasia the day before we left on our trip.

I took her to work with me that day and she spent the day resting by my desk. My husband came out after he was finished with his work day to spend some quiet time with her and when we were ready, the Dr came in to do the euthanasia. To this day I still feel that Minnie was relieved of her burden and I KNOW she thanked me as I held her in my arms and felt her last breath leave her body....she was at peace and so was I.

 

I know that we made the right decision for her and for us by doing this BEFORE she was so bad that she couldn't breathe or while we were 400 miles away and could not be with her.

 

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time. Please know that others have been in your shoes. It's the most difficult thing to do. You must do what you feel is best for your situation.

[Guest PhillyPups]

My heart goes out for you.

 

I have been where you are and it sukks. I so hate cancer.

 

You will be in my prayers and thoughts.

[greyhndz]

I am so sorry that you are going through this heartwrenching experience. Most of us on GT know this all too well and really feel for you because we've been there. You have to have faith in your love for SeeJ and his trust and love for you. Whatever you decide to do, it's based on your love for him.

 

My first hound, Kody, had a cardiac tumor. He was 12.5 and had always been healthy, except for having developed a few seizures earlier in the year. Kody was entirely himself until the New Year's weekend, when he stopped eating and began panting. I remember him being on my bed at night, and hearing him awake, panting, and I knew something was very wrong. We were at the vet the next day, and the vet noted that Kody had muffled heart sounds, and on Xray his heart was enlarged in a way that indicated a pericardial effusion (fluid). The next day, he had an echocardiogram and suddenly I had the answer I never wanted to hear.

 

What was most important for me was hearing what I could expect to happen within the days, weeks to come. What interventions or surgeries were possible, what they would achieve, and if they would give him any additional quality time. The vet told me that she could do a pericardial tap, but the effusion would almost certainly accumulate again quickly, as you've found out. Any improvement in symptoms would be only short-lived. She mentioned surgery to create a pericardial "window", an opening that would keep fluid from accumulating in the sac and preventing the heart from functioning normally. But this would not change the fact that the cancer was untreatable.

 

In the end, I thought about how stoic Kody (and all of these dogs) was, and the fact that he hid his symptoms until he couldn't mask them anymore. That he was likely feeling much worse than he ever let on. And he would not eat even his favorite baby food. I was going to bring him home to love him, spoil him, before he was ready. But I realized, on the way to the hospital to pick him up, that he was already "ready". And bringing him home to witness him worsening every day was for my benefit, not his.

 

It still hurts too much to think about, nevertheless talk about, but I guess what I'm sharing (that I learned) is that you always have to think about tomorrow, and whether his tomorrow will be better, or worse, than today. And decide if today he's feeling good enough to enjoy his tomorrow.

 

My heart goes out to you. Trust yourself, and know that whatever you decide will be right, and will be what SeeJ would want.

Edited May 1, 2010 by greyhndz

[Guest Greytluv]

:grouphug

[Guest kydie]

Your are right, it is the hardest decision you will ever make, and unfortunitaly, you will have to make it time and time again,, do what is right for you pup, and you will always make the right one, I am so sorry for your tough days ahead

[Guest andrealynch]

I have every confidence that whatever decision you make for your boy, it is done out of complete love for him. Don't feel that you are irrational or not thinking clearly--these situations are tough, and in the end there is really no "right" or "wrong" decision. Sending lots of hugs and good thoughts your way.