Two Days After Otis Went To The Bridge

[Guest WarmheartedPups]

Two days since my boy left. I am not sleeping well....I cannot stop crying. I am sick to my stomach. I am at work, but will be leaving soon...I cant stay here today.

 

I want to rage against something......I want to tell someone how totally unfair this is.......I want to demand that somone fix this awful situation......a big mistake has been made..........I want my Otis back......I want my Otis back.

 

 

I keep thinking how I watched him go downhill that last day...... waiting for the pain meds to kick in.....which I find out the pain meds weren't really in the equation. I should have known ....I could have gotten him to the Vets before he had these two catastrophic events happen to him....which left him unable to stand and so very scared....and in shock. Something must have burst. He was waiting for me to act and I didnt.

 

This is tearing me up.....thinking of the last 30 minutes in my house....I never would want to put Otis in harms way.....I would never knowingly cause him pain....and I feel like I did just that. I know I shouldn't beat myself up....I KNOW THAT....but my brain just goes there.

 

I talked to the regular Vet this a.m......they called her at home as I said I couldn't wait until tomorrow...I needed some answers..some closure. She hasnt received any reports yet from the ER Vet. I was concerned that the Cipro I was giving him could have created the bleeding into the abdomen. She said no.

She felt he had a lot going on and she did not see the bleeding in the a.m. when they took films.

 

That image that I keep seeing of him in trouble, is so painful..it just pops into my head.

 

There must be a limit on how much someone can cry before your eyes fall out or how heavy a heart can get before it breaks.

 

Am I going crazy? I just want the pain to stop....the last picture in my head of Otis has to be erased from my brain

 

 

I dont think there is anyway to stop this.

Edited March 4, 2008 by WarmheartedPups

[Guest greyhound1]

Think of all the good things.

[Cindy_Hanson]

Give yourself time. The first few days are the worst. Eventually, the despair that you feel and the images you have of his last few days will recede into proper perspective. You will still remember these things, but you will also be able to look back on all the good times you had with Otis and the wonderful memories that are currently being crowded out by your grief.

 

At the same time, you might consider bundling up and going for a walk. It's cold, but the sun is shining . . . bundle up, stick a handkerchief in your pocket, and just go for a walk around the neighborhood or the lakes or something. Getting up and moving about is a good way to take care of yourself when you're grieving.

 

Most of all, remind yourself that it WILL get better. Grief is something that you can't go around . . . you have to move through it. And you will.

 

Good luck.

[macoduck]

You should not judge yourself.

You are not a veterinarian.

You are not a pyschic.

You did what you thought was right.

You tried.

You cared.

You loved.

Otis knows you loved him.

Otis would not want you to feel guilty.

Otis loves you.

[retiredracers]

I felt the same way after Crooke died. I cried pretty much non-stop for several days and then by about day 5 or 6, I was just pissed. And I couldn't cry and I was mad and felt guilty about that.

 

She was taken from me soooo quickly and she was healthy... she just had a tumor in her intestines that was in the wrong place. If it had been a few inches further down, she would have survived with no problems. I stayed by her side during the surgery and slept at the vet clinic over the weekend (I work there) and didn't leave her side longer than to use the restroom. The last day with her was horrible. I kept hoping she'd get better and she did have a couple of bright moments but by 10 pm that night, I knew she was leaving me. I called my vet and waited for her to come. During that time, I could see her slipping away from me. The images of her in her last hours will never leave my mind but I'm trying hard to not think about them. I have thought about those last hours a lot and I probably should have called her sooner but I kept hoping. Like you, I would have never done ANYTHING to make her suffer and have pain.

 

Fortunately, I know that she would NEVER hold my decisions against me.... she loved me and trusted me to the very end. Even if I had waited longer, she would still love me. And Otis felt the same way. He was with you. He knew your love. He knew that you were doing what you could do for him. It won't be easy but forgive yourself. Live in the memories of him when he was alive and full of life. That is what he wants you to remember about him. Don't forget his last day but don't let it take over. He LOVED you and your life together meant everything to him.

 

Get out your pictures of him and look at them. I had every picture I had taken of Crooke printed and put together a photo album. I carried several pictures with me of her so that I could look at her whenever I needed to. (Not that I'm recommending this but I adopted a 10 week old puppy (that would be Elphie) 2 weeks after Crooke died and I'm certain that she sent her to me to help me heal... no ordinary greyhound would allow me to forget her and it certainly took my mind off of my loss).

 

If you ever need to talk, PM me and I'll get you my phone number.

 

[Guest jettcricket]

...I'm so sorry your going thru this. I, too, have had so much guilt in losing my first greyhound, Chance, to osteo. What we put him thru in trying so desparately to buy him more time....something I know for me, I will never do again.

 

It was a horrible time and every day I ask for his forgiveness...it's been 7 years now and the guilt is not as strong and I do know that my boy knows that I did what I thought was the very best for him.

 

Your pain is so fresh and raw....it will get better. And Otis knows that you loved him so very much and did the best that you could for him. How could you have known what was going on inside him?

 

I wish I could wave a magic wand to make every one who has ever gone down this rode before easier and less painful and with no guilt.

 

Sending you comfort and understanding at this time.....

 

 

[Guest Snowy8]

I'm pm-ing you

[Shaysmom]

When it seems that our sorrow is too great to be borne,

let us think of the great family of the heavy-hearted

into which our grief has given us entrance, and inevitably,

we will feel about us,

their arms and their understanding

 

--Helen Keller--

 

I am so very, very sorry for your loss and for your pain. You were taking the very best care of your boy, and relying on the expertise of the professionals who were caring for him. Otis knew how much you loved him and will always know...

 

[Guest kaotic1]

Oh... I am soo sorry. I remember how i felt when we lost Jordan. I thought for sure I let her down. We were in the Vets and i had the choice of putting her through horrible treatment that would have ruined her quality of life and letting her go... I took the less painful road. For weeks i thought, well what if i made the other choice? Maybe she would have had a miracle. Maybe she would have gotton better. I think in these situations we always second guess ourselves. We make such heartrending decisions and the results hurt so much, we convince ourselves that we made a wrong choice, a wrong turn somewhere, that somehow there was some option that wouldn't hurt this bad. In time you will find the perspective to see you did what was best for Otis. Hopefully your Vet will be able to help you to realize this.

 

Give it time... it's the only thing that works.

 

Jenn

[Guest wmlcml6]

You can't do this to yourself. You can use my technique of blocking out and pretending it didn't happen, or you can at least stop blaming yourself. Just from reading your posts on GT, I have not ever seen you ignore a symptom. We rely on our vets to fix our babies, and sometimes they either don't move fast enough or there really was nothing that could be done. It stinks and is very unfair, but since our dogs cannot tell us what hurts or how bad, we just do the best we can for them. Please do not be so sad. Otis would be very upset if he knew you were having such a hard time.

[Guest PhillyPups]

I don't have any words, but know what you are saying, as I am still feeling the pain ~ for all three and second guessing myself. to you.

[Guest Snowy8]

[Burpdog]

Sending prayers for peace and comfort. Please believe that Otis is fine now! Do not worry about what was, only what is. He is running around without a care in Rainbow Land and without pain.

 

This is tearing me up.....thinking of the last 30 minutes in my house....I never would want to put Otis in harms way.....I would never knowingly cause him pain....and I feel like I did just that. I know I shouldn't beat myself up....I KNOW THAT....but my brain just goes there

 

Stop going there! Do not think of the last 30 minutes, think of the years before.

 

All of us have things we second guess on or wish we had done differently. Take what you have learned and help others. Think of the good times you and your friend Otis had

[Batmom]

I wish there were something I could say, to make it hurt less.

 

From all you've said, you did what anyone -- including your skilled vets -- would do. They didn't know. You couldn't have known. There was something inside that wasn't readily seen -- if an aneurysm, likely not even there to see, until shortly before you knew to take him to the vet again. And you did know, and you did take him. How on earth could anyone do more, or differently?

 

You were there for him, every minute. Sometimes that isn't enough to prevent a crisis like he had. It wasn't this time. But there wasn't anything else you could do. You're one of the best, most caring, most careful, most loving dog caretakers I've ever heard of.

 

You know, of course you know, that it is only in books that everyone goes quietly and gently, or else gets to pick their moment. Real life and death can be so much more brutal. I wish it hadn't been, for you and Otis.

 

And all those words I just wrote are worth so much spit, aren't they? As if it weren't enough to lose your dog, your friend, part of your very soul, but to lose him when he is in pain that you can't fix.

 

God watch over you.

[Guest ss556]

I am so sorry about what happened to Otis, but more importantly, what you are going through now. Otis is fine. YOu are not. It's easy to say don't beat yourself up or don't blame yourself, but you probably will anyway. It's not unusual to have that "video" playing back in your head, but you should try to look at good pictures of Otis, remember the good memories, try to push them into your head when the nightmare returns. It's normal to grieve. You did all you could. They cannot tell us how they feel, you couldn't have known what was happening. You were there for Otis and Otis loves you for it. My prayers go out to you to find peace. Time will heal even though it won't feel like that now. Talk to family, friends, GT'rs.

[Guest how888]

Oh gosh, I will so bad for you. Howie went so fast also and I ended up in the ER so sick and desperate. I wish I could tell you the pain will ease one day and that Otis will always be with you. Just know we are here for you. You did all you could.

[Guest Che_mar_Cody]

OH Linda,

You could have not known, and you did post all problems you knew of and told us about them for advice or just to mention about it. You were very aware, and all the trips to the vet, we including Otis knew his mommy was doing everything she could.

 

My dear friend, I feel your pain. :cry1 You have a sweet little girl that needs her mom too. Be strong for her, cuz she's missing her big brother as well.

 

Remember Otis and all the fun times you shared. I will always remember him in that Minnesota Twins hat at the meet n greet.... Otis would want you to remember him for all the fun and special time you shared. I agree, bundle up and take Roo and yourself out for a walk.

:grouphug

Edited March 3, 2008 by Che_mar_Cody

[Guest whatahound]

I wish I could say or do something to make your pain go away. Please give yourself time, I know when I lost my Daisy I cried for what seemed like weeks. The pain and tears will one day be replaced by smiles everytime you think about Otis.

 

Wish I was there to give you a hug.

 

[rschultz]

I too also second guessed. We had our dog 18 years. I look back now and know I wasn't thinking straight at all the first few days after his passing. That is normal. You will have so many emotions and some days you will not cry and then weeks later out of nowhere you may cry again. Just remind yourself that it is all part of the grieving process. It was Otis's time. I know right now that is hard to believe but after a bit of time your inner self will realize you did all you could and it was just his time to go.

so sorry for your loss. My heart truly goes out to you.

[Xan]

So much caring and good advice here.

 

One more way through is to really sit down, take a deep breath, and look at that scary time. Feel what it feels like. Let it wash over and through you without trying to control it. Even the biggest tidal wave flows back out to sea eventually, after which you can rebuild your life. This is not for the faint of heart, but it's one way through: head on.

 

Otis knew you loved him and cared for him. He didn't blame you for his pain, and he's not feeling it any more. You were with him: that's what mattered to him. You, his person, his best friend, were there when he was hurting and scared, loving him, 100%. Try to remember that, too.

 

:bighug

[Guest Becki]

Oh Lin, you loved him and he loved you. Anyone who saw the two of you together would know you had that bond. What happened wasn't your fault and he knew you would do anything to help him, and you did. I am so sorry to see you struggling like this.

[Guest GiJenn51]

Linda--- I'm still here for you OK? Otis wouldn't want you to worry and you know he would never put that kind of pressure on you.

[Jackandgrey]

Oh dear soul, I know how much this hurts. I know the horror of that video loop that keeps playing in your mind. But you were there with your sweet Otis every minute, every step. There are people who do not have that. Who are alone and scared when their time comes. Otis had you and no matter what you gave him everything!! Everything. He left you surrounded by your love;folded next to your heart.

 

Otis is fine now. For his sake be kind to yourself. He loved you too much to be the cause of so much guilt. Grieve oh yes. he is so worth that but put aside that guilt. he wouldn't want that for you.

[sweetdogs]

I believe our pets would give us one final gift if they could - forgiveness. They wouldn't want us to suffer on their behalf because of guilt. Mourn the loss of their earthly presence, yes, but not for what we couldn't change.

 

You loved Otis & he knew that. Everyday mattered. And all those everydays add up to so much more than the final one.

 

I'm so sorry for your loss & your pain.

[ShantisMom]

I am so, so sorry! Your post makes me cry too. I know all too well what you are thinking.

 

 

I keep thinking how I watched him go downhill that last day...... waiting for the pain meds to kick in.....which I find out the pain meds weren't really in the equation. I should have known ....I could have gotten him to the Vets before he had these two catastrophic events happen to him....which left him unable to stand and so very scared....and in shock. Something must have burst. He was waiting for me to act and I didn't.

 

This is tearing me up.....thinking of the last 30 minutes in my house....I never would want to put Otis in harms way.....I would never knowingly cause him pain....and I feel like I did just that. I know I shouldn't beat myself up....I KNOW THAT....but my brain just goes there.

 

 

This is exactly how our last day with Kona went. Something happened and she could not longer use her back legs. We waited for pain killers to work, saw the vet, etc. We never wanted to cause her pain either. She was SO scared, she turned mean in a panic. So, I know how you are feeling.

 

You cannot go the route of "what if". It will only beat you up. Sometimes things happen that are out of our control. This is one of them. Cherish the memories of Otis. He is smiling down on you pain free. He will send you a sign. You wait.

 

The tears will lessen in time. I hope you will smile more at the memories soon. You are in our thoughts and prayers.