Last night Michael pulled out the movies from Kanab last year, and since he couldn't find all of them, he put in the movies from when my younger son was born in 1994. We'd had Joe just a few months, and in the movies he is so dark-faced. He was such a quiet dog, but always there. On the couch, curled up with Michael and the new baby, or sitting and watching us put up the Christmas tree. Or standing and watching my toddler touching his little brother's face.
It makes my heart ache so much to see him there. I haven't watched those movies in many many years, and not since he died for sure. It was so weird seeing him there - alive and with us. My kids got a little sad, too.
Seeing Michael just kind of move over so he could get his arm around Joe and Joe tucking his head in next to the baby...
We didn't have a video camera for many years after that time, so there aren't many other videos of the kids OR Joe.
I wish I didn't feel so very sad and it didn't hurt so much. Watching us laughing and talking...Laughing at my little son's silliness. Truly bittersweet.