I'm so sorry for all your pain. I guess the thing I noticed in your post is that you seem to feel that you are supposed to "get over it." Honestly, I don't think you EVER get over it...you get past it. The hurt eases enough that you can start to focus on other things.
I think grief is like carrying a heavy package over a hill. When you first start, it feels unbearable, and you can't believe that you have to go on. But you DO have to keep moving. As you climb, the package is lighter, but the hill is still steep. By the time you get to the top, you can look around and see that things are not as bad as you thought going up. Things will be okay. Then going down, you have to be careful. You are still aware that you are carrying a burden, but it isn't as heavy and you are going downhill...you start to feel like you will reach level ground soon.
When you reach level ground, the burden is not so heavy, and is now something that you can look at clearly. It's the love and memories that you carry...and will carry with you always.
You suffered not only a loss of a friend, but the additional burden of her added care, and the resentment you felt towards your husband for not helping as much as you felt he should, given his relationship with her, and also the resentment towards your mutual friends, who ask after him, and not you. But they couldn't know what a huge job you did, or how much love that took on your part.
Anyway, this got long...my point is, that it DOES get better, and you will be okay. But it takes a long time for many people. My Joe passed away in August 2001. I STILL feel sad when I think about him. But I can think about how funny and sweet he was. I can remember his life, and not dwell so much on his death. He is always here with us because he is in our hearts. I still cry for him, but not very often after three years. That first year...I was a basket case. Anyone brought him up, and I went to pieces. You are perfectly normal. And you WILL be okay.
