Diane,
Those feelings are COMPLETLY understandable and DO NOT feel guilty for talking about it, THAT is what WE are here for.
GET IT ALL OUT, if you feel you need to say more and don't feel comfortable saying it here, write it in your blog, write it on a piece of paper and then rip it to shreads, get in your car and drive where no one will see you and scream it to the top of your lungs. BUT GET IT OUT!!!
Don't you feel so much better for getting that off your chest?????
I don't blame you for not wanting to have an autopsy performed, I think I would feel the same way. But sweetie, YOU KNOW you would have noticed if there were ANYTHING out of the ordinary and if there were ANYTHING you could have done. Things like this just happen sometimes and it sucks.
My grandpa died unexpectedly on Leap Year Day several years ago. He went to the hospital to get a shot of cortozone in his shoulder and somehow he ended up dead. My grandma didn't even get to say good bye to him, she never knew ANYTHING was wrong. To this day she beats herself up over it and there is NOTHING she could have done, just like this case with Fudgie. We ALL went through A LOT of grief and anger over that, because there was NO WARNING and NO EXPLANATION.
You will have these feelings and they are completly NORMAL!! So don't feel bad for feeling that way O.K.