[Completely overwhelmed by new dog]

Thanks so much to everyone who's replied, I really do appreciate it. We're going to give it a month and then see where we are - not that we're expecting things to be perfect in a month, not at all! But just see how I feel after a month, and how much (if any) progress we've made. If it feels like things are getting better then we'll persist. If I still feel like this, then we may reconsider and accept that it's not right for us, and that our dog may need a more experienced home, or a home with other dog friends. Mentally I really need to have that escape clause.

Our dog seems a little more relaxed today which is good. Last night he sort-of slept in the dining room while my partner slept on the sofa (the sofa isn't even a metre away from the dining room door). He cried when we shut the baby gate between the living and dining room, but he settled once it was open. If he'll accept sleeping downstairs without the gate then that would be absolutely fine - we just don't want him to come climbing upstairs. We're going to persist with this for now rather than have a baby gate on our bedroom and the dog on the landing, since he seems to find being stuck behind a gate (with us in sight) as upsetting as being alone. We don't shut him in his crate at night, it's just open as a den for him to go into when he wants. He chooses to go in there pretty regularly in the day, and hides his toys in there, and we've been able to shut the door on him for a few minutes at a time so long as we're nearby. 

Throwing some of his kibble around the living room (last night) and the garden (this morning) seems to have gone well. He's pretty good at waiting patiently for the food to be thrown, though he gives up on looking for things really quickly! 

We have an Adaptil diffuser (we got that before we got the dog, and it's been plugged in since the day before he arrived), and we've just ordered one of the collars as well. Our contact at the Trust recommended Valerian as a herbal supplement to try and it does seem to make him a little calmer in the evening. He can be happily distracted by a filled Kong for a little while, but he'll leave it if there's something else that gets his attention and then only remember about it later.

I've read the Patricia McConnell book and I really like how practical it is, though we're definitely not at the point of leaving him alone in the house yet so we'll need to adapt it. It's impossible to never, ever let him cry, though. I already feel trapped downstairs with him in the day, and if it's wrong to let him cry for even a second then I don't know what to do. Everything seems so split on this - it's okay to let him cry sometimes! No, never let him cry, if he cries then you've gone too far and need to do less! When I leave the room I do it with as little ceremony as possible and ignore him, and then come back with equally little ceremony. When he finally relaxes and lies down after I get back to the room I give him praise. Hopefully he'll eventually realise that I do come back every time?

[Completely overwhelmed by new dog]

4 minutes ago, rsieg said:

Another thing that may help is exercise - a tired dog is a good dog. Try taking him for a long walk, get him really tired out, and then do an away session. If you are not walking him much then that could be part of the problem, simply pent-up energy. 

Thanks for your response! About this bit in particular - at the moment he is freezing and statuing whenever we take him out, so our contact at the Trust said to just leave walks for now and let him build up his confidence in our garden, then move on to short "winnable" walks. We've been trying to wear him out with games and things in the garden (he is very unhappy about going out in the rain, though he lives in Britain so he needs to get used to that!) and doing some games with him inside. He lasts for about 10 minutes and then lies down.

We do need to start leaving him more, though since we can't even leave the room right now I can't imagine how long it will take until we can leave the house.

8 minutes ago, rsieg said:

I'm a little confused about your statement: "can't do things like go to the loo or make a cup of tea without the dog getting stressed and crying and pacing." Is he locked in his crate? If not, I would expect him to head on over to the kitchen with you, and as long as he is with you not to be overly anxious. Does he go in the kitchen with you, and is still crying and pacing? Or, if you keep his dog treats kept in the kitchen, maybe what he is really doing is trying to get a treat? :-)

He's not locked in his crate! His crate is open for him to go into it whenever he wants. We have a baby gate on the kitchen as it is not dog-safe (we need to redo the whole kitchen at some point). We have minimal storage, so a lot of things (like his big bag of food) are just on the kitchen floor. He can see partly into the kitchen from where he is, but if I disappear briefly behind the door to get the milk out the fridge or something he starts to cry. He can be lying down asleep but if I go into the kitchen he goes right back to pacing and whimpering.

17 minutes ago, 1Moregrey said:

Welcome just wanted to offer a hug, a shoulder, and an ear.  Sometimes we just need to vent and share our fears and concerns to feel better.

If I can share some stories and a few tips hope they give you some light at the end of your tunnel.

For me greyhounds temperament and behavior are closer to a show horse than a  typical shelter dog or the in your face hunting breed.  When they first come off of the track in the US. would imagine similar to your dog but not sure.  Meaning they have a routine of being out and active and the center of everything. Followed by time in there crate/stall and the cycle continues.  So coming into a home is so unnerving and scary.  Just provide for basic needs and spend time together going for walks even if it is just circles in the driveway/garden or just standing outside getting used to the sounds and smells.  

I did most things wrong with my first greyhound in 1990 before adoption groups and many resources and the internet!  I made a phone call looking for a companion dog to a vet on Friday picked up my dog on Monday and only saw them on tv.  She would not come out of the dog house for 4 days.  Vet said to let her be and if not out on the 5th day force her out gently.  She survived being outside for over a year.  I did not know better and would never do that now but she had a well insulated dog house with straw and another dog and luckily it was a mild winter.  

Do not worry about training time yet as your dog is learning just by exploring there new world.  The only thing you need to do is reinforce good behavior and prevent naughty (if they are jumping on people for example I would discourage that and things you do not want) otherwise no formal training as it will just be frustrating for both of you.  Give all of you time to adjust you have a lifetime to train.  There are many ways to do things find what works for you and leave the rest.

So to make a long read short greyhounds are very adaptable and forgiving.  If you handle them with love respect and a soft touch.  You can not go wrong and can fine tune the behavior anytime.  If they have gotten used to doing something it just may take longer to change the behavior but given time, love and consistency it will.

One last tip talk to them as they understand more than we can ever know.

My first therapy dog was at a retirement home and one of the residents said “I bet you would like to look out the window”. To my astonishment she walked over and looked out.  I had never even said window and she came straight from the track.  

A foster would calm down if I made up stories and talked to her.  Her “mom”would call when she first got her and I would tell her stories to help her settle.  Her mom thought I was crazy 😜 until she saw that it worked.  It may just make you feel better too.  

Best wishes and you will be ok and do what is best for all.  They do take a long time to show you the dog they truly are.  It is a frustrating, scary, exciting and rewarding journey so give yourself a hug 🤗 and know you are not alone!

Thank you so much for your reassuring words! We've not tried any kind of formal training so far (except things like redirecting him away from the table when we're having dinner and towards his own treats and toys) and are mostly just letting him hang out with us. The main problem is that he can't be with us 24/7, even though he'd obviously prefer that. A lot of guidance I've been reading has been so firm on things like establishing expectations early, so I'm very worried that we're creating further problems that we'll have to deal with further down the line. I hope our dog is as adaptable as yours!

[Completely overwhelmed by new dog]

42 minutes ago, DocsDoctor said:

Sorry you're feeling overwhelmed! I would rethink the sleeping in your room thing, just for now. It need only be for a week or so and it will help him bond with you. You will all get a better night's sleep and frankly you sound pretty frazzled right now - he will be picking up on that, worrying himself, round and round it all goes and into a downward spiral....

This link has some helpful downloads, see especially the ones on "The first night at home" and "spending time alone." My guys all slept in my room for the first couple of weeks and then happily migrated to a bed in the back bedroom where they could hear but not see me.

I will also add, I think it is absolutely normal to have some "oh my goodness what have I done?" moments when you first adopt a dog. It's such a big change for you both, especially with a first pet in adult life.

Thank you for this. Everything is so confusing - we've been told to be consistent about where he's able to go and where he isn't, so he knows which space is his. Letting him upstairs and into our room and then changing those rules seems like it would be confusing for him? I've never known anyone have a dog sleep in their room, and every dog my family owned just slept downstairs, so this isn't something I'd really anticipated. 

1 hour ago, Karolintschka said:

Now, when I think about these horrible first weeks with my puppy I smile and look at her lying next to me sleeping peacefully but back then I couldn’t imagine it getting any better. But it DOES get better I promise!

I hope we can get to this point! Right now it seems impossible, but it is reassuring to read about people who got puppies and felt this way and then got to a good place.

32 minutes ago, Newtothis said:

As a new greyhound owner this is my first post on this forum (and also afraid I'm going to get shouted out for giving bad advice!) but I had to reply to you because I felt exactly like you did when we got our first greyhound 3 months ago. And I know how awful it is.

We had wanted a dog for so long and were prepared but when we got him I couldn't cope at all. For the first week I didn't stop crying, I didn't eat and didn't sleep. I have anxiety anyway and getting him sent it through the roof and I was near the worst I'd ever been.

Now 3 months in I'm a lot better. Our grey has problems with other dogs and doesn't like being left alone, so it's still hard work and I still sometimes feel trapped. But we've seen a behaviourist and have a training plan in place and I now feel comfortable taking it day by day.

I'm far from an expert but just wanted to say you're not alone in feeling like this, and it does get better. A few things that have helped me personally :

- Splitting the care with my partner. We both have dog care days during the week and dog free days. This means I get a couple of days a week where my partner is responsible for all of his walks, feeding etc so I have a break from thinking about it, and I do the same for my partner. It gives me back some normality and headspace which works better for me than doing half of his care each day. 

- In the early days, telling myself 'If by X date I still feel like this, I can give him back'. It helped me be less overwhelmed with the idea of caring for him forever and took some pressure off. We were in contact with our rescue group and they reassured us we could take a bit of time to make our decision and would be happy to have him back without judgment if needed. Knowing that was very reassuring.

- Not trying to get everything right straight away. I was worried if we didn't fix his separation anxiety immediately, it would be a lost cause and he would never learn how to be alone. That's not true. 

- Working in increments. We didn't want him sleeping in our room either. He would happily sleep in his crate at night but only if he could see us – so we moved it in front of our bedroom door, then moved it back a couple of inches each night. Now he sleeps in the lounge just fine. Even if it takes ages, having a plan can make you feel a bit more in control! Oh and pick one priority to work on at once. We didn't try fixing his separation anxiety until we were all comfortably sleeping at night. It would have been too much for us. 

I personally would let him follow you to make tea, go to the loo, whatever for now. I'm sure others might disagree and like I say this is only based on my experience and not expert advice, but for me the priority had to be getting my head into a space where I was calmer and could cope. Him pacing and whining would send me over the edge! Once you are feeling better, you can start implementing rules / training as needed. At least, that's how I approached it.

Our boy has relaxed massively since I got a handle on my own anxiety and worry and we're all doing much better. I still see other people with their greys and think it's not fair how easy they seem to have it but in reality everyone has their own struggles.

We love our boy and are committed to making it work with him and giving him a happy life. He's started rolling over for belly rubs and coming up to us for a fuss, so we're getting there slowly but surely!

The last thing I'l say is that while you're confused and unsure whether you've made a mistake, trust your past self. You planned for this, researched it and wanted it - trust that you made the right decision then. You were probably thinking a lot clearer then than you are now.

If when you are feeling calmer and more rational you're still unsure whether it's the right thing for you after all, then you can decide what to do from there.

Thanks so much for this practical advice, it's so helpful - I'm glad you're feeling better and that your dog has started to settle! I think I psyched myself out with some of the research really, because it made it sound like you should start working on things like separation anxiety straight away so you're setting ground rules rather than starting out one way and then changing to doing something else. We thought we knew more-or-less how to approach things but now we really don't know what to do for the best. We don't want to upset and distress our poor dog, but we also don't want him to always be needy and clingy and unable to be by himself. 

Unfortunately we don't have much space in our room (even if we wanted him in there), though there is a small amount of space on our landing that might fit his bed, though definitely not a crate (small UK house - houses in America seem to have endless amounts of space for dog crates!). Having him sleep on the landing might be an option. 

 

21 minutes ago, racindog said:

I think you should return him to the adoption group so he can go somewhere he is wanted. I don't think you want a dog and their restrictions. That is OK. But its not fair to the dog to make him live somewhere he isn't wanted when he could be somewhere he was deeply loved and treasured. JMO.

Honestly, we may end up giving him back if we decide it's not right for us, but telling people who are finding a new and difficult situation stressful to give up after a few days seems counter-productive. Have you considered offering advice and reassurance instead? Your snippy response is one of the reasons I felt so unsure about posting here. I'm glad other people are able to be kind and thoughtful. 

[Completely overwhelmed by new dog]

We've adopted a lovely greyhound from the Greyhound Trust, and I'm so anxious and depressed about it. I'm also really worried about posting here - please don't yell at me. We're really trying to do our best, but I am not coping at all.

I was so excited to adopt a greyhound. I always had dogs and other animals growing up, and I'd known quite a few greyhounds and thought they were wonderful animals. We were finally in a place where we could have a dog, in terms of home security, finances, flexible work. We did so much research into having a greyhound, including all the negative things to expect, and thought we were prepared.

We're only in the first week. I completely understand that this whole situation is overwhelming for our new dog, that he has no idea what's happening, that he's never lived in a house before and that his stress will hopefully decrease as he settles in. But I feel completely and horribly overwhelmed. I've been near tears or fully in tears for three days straight. Yesterday I just shut myself in the bathroom and sobbed for a while. I feel like we've made a terrible mistake getting this dog. We want to start a family in the next couple of years, and I can't imagine having a dog and a baby.

And he's a lovely dog! He's very sweet and gentle, he's played with us, he's mostly doing a great job of going to the toilet outside. When we're around he's pretty happy to just crash out on one of his beds and snooze, or chew on one of his toys. But he cries and paces and scratches when one of us isn't with him for thirty seconds. Someone has to sleep on the sofa to be near him, otherwise he howls and cries and gets so distressed (and I know everyone will just say have the dog in our room, but we do not want him in our room - we want our room to be our space). We're working from home right now, and will be for the foreseeable future, but now I can't do things like go to the loo or make a cup of tea without the dog getting stressed and crying and pacing. 

He has a crate and he's really happy to go in there and chew on his treats or toys, or go to sleep, but we've been advised not to shut him in there and leave him alone since he gets so upset, and it might ruin the good associations he currently has with his crate.

I thought I was ready for this, but I already feel overwhelmed and trapped by our new dog. I grew up with dogs but our lives didn't revolve completely around them. I feel guilty, I've lost my appetite, I cry all the time, I can't concentrate at work. I've been trying to read these forums and the greyhound subreddit and am starting to feel so alone because everyone loves their greyhounds. At the moment I can't imagine being able to cope for another week, let alone years.