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One Year Without My Wizard & My Heart Is Still So Broken


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I didn't post in Remembrance last year when Merlin died. It was almost too much to bear to post on social media, but I managed to (and was unbelievably grateful for the generosity and support I received. I will never forget it. All my love and gratitude goes to each and all of you who were there, and especially to my precious friends in the WFUBCC. FF&F, my friends.) I was never able to find the right words for a remembrance post. All the poems and lyrics in the world, however beautiful, seemed to fall short - except maybe for W.H. Auden's Funeral Blues. So I included that in the video below.

Today marks exactly one year since he died and left my heart in pieces.

 

Remembering Merlin

 

I will let the video tell what's in my heart whenever the word "Merlin" sings that magical song in my mind that no one else can hear. All I can say is that, despite the sudden and painful loss of my beloved Sagan barely five months before I lost Merlin (they both succumbed to osteo), despite the end of my marriage, it is the loss of this incredible dog, my cheeky, impertinent, funny, one-in-a-million dog, that dealt the fatal blow to my heart. The pain is still so raw that thinking of him, seeing any old picture of him (I took thousands), or watching a video of him (he looks SO alive....) still tears me apart. I still cry for him every day and I can say that it is the worst, most heart-wrenching pain of my life. Despite adopting my sweet little heart healer Pippin, who is doing a grand job, and whom I love dearly, the emptiness and the grief are still so overwhelming. I didn't expect it to hurt so much a year later. He is in my thoughts constantly, and on good days his absence feels like an ache that breaks my concentration and won't leave me alone, and on bad days the grief is paralysing and overwhelming. I don't trust myself around people when that wave of grief hits me, and I don't always get a warning. I would give all the riches in the world, every last thing I own and the remaining time of my life for one more day with him.

 

Enough. He was my everything, and I will miss him forever. I can't tell you how many times I have envied the comfort that some of my friends experience from their belief that they will see their loved ones again. But I know I most likely won't ever again set eyes on the most wonderful soul that I was so very, very lucky to know and love. The memories will have to be enough, and the pain of his absence will have to be endured. If there is a silver lining in all of this, it's that it has made me more inclined to listen to others, to feel compassion and empathy for other human beings as they, too - as we all do - navigate the fears, frailties and losses that life throws at us. Indeed, my friends' losses of their beloved hounds hit me twice as hard these days.

 

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“Yours is the light by which my spirit's born: you are my sun, my moon, and all my stars.”― E.E. Cummings :brokenheart

 

Thank you for reading and remembering him with me today.

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Kerry with Pippin (Paid Vacation), adopted 4/15/2017
Missing the best wizard in the world, Merlin (PA's Paris), the biggest Love I've ever known, and my sweet 80lb limpet, Sagan (Leon B) :brokenheart :brokenheart, every single day.

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Awww, Miss Kerry, Merlin was as lucky to have you as you to have him. Many would have returned him after the first few difficult weeks, but you didn't. Many more would have tried everything humanly possible to keep him alive DESPITE how that plays out for the dog. You didn't. Your grief is unbearable, but you carry on. And you were able to open your heart to a new friend. I'm super proud of you for doing that. Experiencing grief is one thing but letting it take over your whole life--you didn't do that, and Merlin would not want that.

 

None of us know where we go when we die. But won't it be great if we DO see our loved ones again?


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Susan,  Hamish,  Mister Bigglesworth and Nikita Stanislav. Missing Ming, George, and Buck

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sending many, many hugs :grouphug

Kim and Bruce - missing my sweet greyhound Angels Rainey (LG's Rainey 10/4/2000 - 3/8/2011), Anubis (RJ's Saint Nick 12/25/2001 - 9/12/12) and Zeke (Hey Who Whiz It 4/6/2009 - 7/20/2020) and Larry (PTL Laroach 2/24/2007 - 8/2/2020) -- and Chester (8/31/1990 - 5/3/2005), Captain (10/12/1992 - 6/13/2005) and Remy (?/?/1998 - 1/6/2005) at the bridge
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." -- Ernest Hemmingway

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After losing Seamus :heart:brokenheart four years later and most days I still dont feel human. I think I understand what youve shared. :grouphug They are always in our hearts.

 

I couldn't watch the video at work because I knew I'd be a blubbering mess. I was right. You have done your Wizard proud, Miss Kerry. :kiss2

Edited by FiveRoooooers

Old Dogs are the Best Dogs. :heartThank you, campers. Current enrollees: Aiden. Punkin. Annie. Miss M.

Angels: Pal :heart. Segugio. Sorella (TPGIT). LadyBug. Zeke-aroni. MiMi Sizzle Pants. Gracie. Seamie :heart:brokenheart. (Foster)Sweet. Andy. PaddyALVIN!Mayhem. Bosco. Bruno. Dottie B. Trevor Double-Heart. Bea. Cletus, Knot Like The Others.

 

:paw Upon reflection, our lives are often referenced in parts defined by the all-too-short lives of our dogs.

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I will always love the Wizard. I am a better person for having known Merlin even if only through GT. He will be loved always and never forgotten. :beatheart

"Some animals...leave a trail of glory behind them.
They give their spirit to the place where they have lived,
and remain forever a part of the rocks and streams and the wind and sky."

- Marguerite Henry

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Merlin and Sagan were both part of our huge greyhound family. You have lots of family here who miss those boys along with you. Even if we never met them, we knew them well.

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Always missing my boy Hi Noon Rocket. The home of Petunia, MW Neptunia and Kate, Miss Kate.

Don't believe everything you read on the internet. - Abraham Lincoln

 

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Miss Kerry, you were in my thoughts often today.

 

There are no words that will ease the pain and sorrow of your loss. Nothing, even the most loving people and pups, will make the longing any less.

 

Thank you for sharing what is in your heart.

:grouphug

 

 

ETA: I couldn't watch all of the video today. I will eventually, a bit at a time, as I can. The quote from Shakespeare was as far as I got . . . it was perfect.

Edited by ScootersMom

Miss Noo Carol

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Only we know what a small price we pay for the love we have received from our dogs.

The sadness and loss, no matter how powerful it may be, is an insufficient measure of the joy that we have been given.

Cherish that joy and hold the beautiful memories of your Merlin close to your heart.

:bighug

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Nancy...Mom to Nigel (Nigel) , Sid (Peteles Tiger) and Kibo (112 Carlota Galgos)Missing Casey, Gomer, Mona, Penelope, BillieJean, Bandit, Nixon (Starz Sammie) and especially Ruby (Watch Me Dash) waiting at the Bridge.

 

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Hugs. He was truly a special creature.

 

Rest well, Merlin.

Star aka Starz Ovation (Ronco x Oneco Maggie*, litter #48538), Coco aka Low Key (Kiowa Mon Manny x Party Hardy, litter # 59881), and mom in Illinois
We miss Reko Batman (Trouper Zeke x Marque Louisiana), 11/15/95-6/29/06, Rocco the thistledown whippet, 04/29/93-10/14/08, Reko Zema (Mo Kick x Reko Princess), 8/16/98-4/18/10, the most beautiful girl in the whole USA, my good egg Joseph aka Won by a Nose (Oneco Cufflink x Buy Back), 09/22/2003-03/01/2013, and our gentle sweet Gidget (Digitizer, Dodgem by Design x Sobe Mulberry), 1/29/2006-11/22/2014, gone much too soon. Never forgetting CJC's Buckshot, 1/2/07-10/25/10.

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Well Kerry if I know Merlin at all he is probably saying " About time Muffin Head, letting my adoring public know I have left the earth . They have been wondering where the world's greatest wizard was"

 

HUGS Caroline

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Caroline, Mom to Daphne (49B-50215) and Penny (41D-55779)
Remembering Bridge Angels Margo and Sabrina

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Well Kerry if I know Merlin at all he is probably saying " About time Muffin Head, letting my adoring public know I have left the earth . They have been wondering where the world's greatest wizard was"

 

HUGS Caroline

 

Yep, that's just about right.

Your video captured both the beauty of his soul and the aching pain of the loss of him.

:bighug

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Missing my heart dog Liberty, the world's best blackngreylabhound

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We all miss your Wizard, Ms Kerry. He was my first greyhound crush when I first started reading GT. There was just something so special about him. I know you don't believe you will every "see" him again, but I believe the unique energy this is us never just disappears. And someday we will cross paths with the energy that is our loved ones, animals or human. Grieve as long as you need. Sending hugs and peace for your heart.

<p>Mom to Kyle (Diehard Kyle) & Angel Gracie (KB's Sankey) Foster Mom for AFG

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