Leaving The Group Due To My Loss Of Ted

[Guest tedsmom]

thank you everyone for your sweet words-they made me cry even harder.

 

i made the decision today to no longer be a part of nlga. as selfish as it seems, reading posts from my group on our message board ad how everyones hounds are doins so well just about kills me. dont get me wrong, i am thrilled everyones hounds are doing well, but my inabilty to continue posting about teds progress makes me feel like i do not belong. kind of like being in a tennis club and not having a racquet. i emailed our board moderator and asked her to remove me from the email list and also told one of the board members. i thought i was ready to maybe foster as i have recently become injured and felt like i might be able to relate perhaps to an injured dog. i emailed this to a group member that helps with adoptions and told her to keep me in mind if such a special hound should arrive. she replied she thought i needed more time, and shes right---i am just srambling to fill my emptiness and if a dog could benefit, so be it. i honestly think i will never be ready and it hurts too much to read stories about others who still have their hounds. the vet of our group has been trying to get ahold of me to discuss the details of teds death as he was out of town when it happened. i know he wants to know so maybe it wont happen to another hound but i dont think i have the strength to rehas it again. we have played phone/email tage and i requested he not call me @ work as i cannot continue to come unraveled about ted @ work and really days are the best time to get a hold of him, so i think i will email my account of that awful day, which was a week ago tomorrow <sigh> i am afraid he will yell "who the heck do you think you are thinking you are fit to own a greyhound---two have died in your care" and i am hoping he does because i need someone to scream it to me besides myself.

 

to add insult to injury i was diagnosed with rare type of rheumotoid arthritis today and currently have my left wrist splinted and i have watched it swell to 3 times the normal size. i am devastated as i am active and use my hands for work as well as for the horses i trained. the dr is not sure of the prognosis and has me on heavy duty painkillers and prenisone to try and control the swelling and try to keep the ankle that started swelling as well down. i have to ironically laugh because i gave ted pred for his neck when it acted out. i burt into tears at the drs office and ranted and screamed and sobbed in the car on my way back to the office about losing ted and how unfair i be afflicted with this @ age 31.

 

my heart and spirit are now broken---the tiniest things are huge. and while i love this breed so much, my heart cannot continue to read about the progress and joy of others when my life is falling apart. i am too selfish.

 

i will continue to visit this sight to read what has been said about ted-thank you again for your support and i wish you and your hounds health, joy, and happiness---------

 

molly

[jamngrey]

molly take care of yourself and please dont forget us

[Guest FullMetalFrank]

Please take care of yourself... Time will lessen the pain, trust me. Won't make you forget, but will allow you to remember without so much pain.

[Bevd]

I really hope you come back soon.

[GreyTzu]

Take care Molly.

 

Please remember you are always welcome here at GreyTalk.

[Guest canagreyts]

Dear Molly,

 

I'm so sorry to hear of all the trials you have been sent recently. Sometimes the world is a very unfriendly place.

I have to say the tone of your posting really affected me strongly. My daughter was diagnosed with Juvenile Diabetes 6 years ago at the age of 16 and we watched her go from a happy well-adjusted teenager to someone very angry and resentful. To be diagnosed with any disease is a very difficult adjustment in anyone's life. Please know that I say this in a very caring way when I suggest you may want to find someone in the field of therapy to talk to. With so many hurtful things happening in your life it may help you to talk with someone who is trained to help people come to terms with the events that are happening in their life. When our daughter had to have surgery she was put on painkillers after and they made her even more depressed which can be a vicious circle.

I know nothing I can say will make anything better for you, but I do understand the depth of your despair and would like you to know that you have someone thinking about you and hoping that you will soon see a light at the end of the tunnel. Take care

 

Patti

[floydieboy]

Molly, you are certainly going through a tough time. Take things one day at a time. I am sure you are a strong person and you will endure all that has been dealt to you. Please give yourself lots of time to grieve over the loss of your Ted. When I lost Floyd, I was a mess. I couldn't even stomach the thought of coming here to GT. But I missed it so much. It is like I know people from this board and I missed hearing their stories, but the pain I felt when I did come to look, was so immense. That is when I asked admin if they could add the topic of Rememberance. At least I could sign onto to GT and look only here. So I still felt connected. Another website that can really help is the circle of greys. It is an email type list. But people there are going through really hard times with their ill hounds and there are people there who have lost hounds as well. It helped me a lot. Lots of support. It has been almost 6 months now since I lost Floyd and I still miss him and feel so much pain (and some anger, I had him only two days shy of a year) when I think about him.

 

As far as the arthritis, there are many new meds on the market to help deal with the pain of the disease. My MIL has had RA since she was 15 and she still does amazingly well for herself. There just has been so much new knowledge gained recently in the field of RA. Take some time to let things sink in and then educate yourself. Don't rely on what one doctor says. They are human and don't know everything! Try and find a support group with those who have RA and that will lead you to some great resources, I am sure.

 

Well, (((((hugs)))))))) to you. We will be thinking about you and hope to see you on the board when you are ready.

 

Sincerely,

Janet

[silverfish]

Molly, it sounds as if you need to give yourself some TLC just now. Be kind to yourself, and stop beating yourself up. It's a very hard thing to come to terms with losing a dog, and losing two must be terrible. Just try to remember that while those dogs were in your care you showed them unconditional love and did your very best for them which is all anyone can do.

 

I know you're in lot of pain right now - it's not quite two months since I lost Susan and last night I couldn't stop crying (something set me off). I know it's going to be a very long time before I'm through the grief, but already I am able to talk about her to people without crying, which is progress. And I have stopped beating myself up quite so much about what I could/should/might have done differently for her. Things will get better - cry if you need to, or shout and scream - it is all healing and will help you get through.

 

As to the other things which are happening in your life, that's really tough. My Mum has just been diagnosed with a rare form of RA too, and for a while there my very strong independent mother was a weeping mess, but she is getting through and the painkillers and prednisolone are kicking in and most of the swelling has now gone down and she is again able to walk (yes, she was that bad, but she is 83 ... ). Her consultant has now told her she may never have another flare up - so do get a good specialist and a second opinion if necessary.

 

And do remember that guilt is a natural part of grief - it is part of the progression and everyone goes through it to some extent. It really doesn't sound as if you could have done anything more for Ted, and we do also have to remember that ultimately, we depend on the advice and skill of the professionals (the vets) and if they can't do anything, how should we be able to do better?

 

I do understand what you are saying about not being able to bear to read about other peoples' hounds and maybe I'd feel the same if I didn't have another still with me. But we're always here if you feel like popping in or coming back to stay, so don't unsubscribe. Maybe one day you'll feel like sharing some of Ted's funny stories or good times with us.

[Guest lisaluvsgreys]

[Madeara]

Molly, I truely feel for you. I am sure I would feel the same as you if I lost my boy, I couldn't come on this board, it would drive in the hurt even more. You need time, there is nothing wrong with that. I am so sorry that you have come down with rheumotoid arthritis at your young age as well. How this can devestate all the things you love to do, like horses. I hope somehow you you will be able to manage it. I wish you hope, love and most of all healing.

[Guest CannonsMom]

just take care of yourself, i can only imagine what you are going thru. in time, you will be ok again =)

[Guest KaseysMom]

Molly, having been there, your days will get better. It's going to take time. Grieve, grieve, grieve. Yes, you'll have guilt. I think it goes hand in hand with grief. Part of my guilt (over the loss of Sarah) was her passing at the vet school, with us not there. I wondered if she thought we had abandoned her. We all have the "hindsight is 20/20" thoughts. If I had only known the future outcome, I would have gently helped her to the bridge. Your suffering reminds me of mine. It was three weeks before I could even sleep in our bedroom--Sarah would always lay across DH's chest for her nightly scratches. I couldn't stand to be in that room.

 

It was two years from the passing of my 16 year old keeshond, Bear, that I went and visited some greyhounds. On the way home, I was overcome with grief for Bear, and felt like I was being disloyal. When we got home, I cried, then pondered, and truly felt Bear giving me the nudge to adopt a greyhound. I can honestly say that for me, I only see my future with greyhounds. I've had four keeshonds, but Kasey is truly my heartdog. There's something about this breed that is amazing.

 

Please take care, and I hope you'll stay. There are greys in need of you. Being able to share about Sarah has really helped me. Thank you.

[Guest ProudGreyMom]

I am so sorry to hear about your loss as well as your recent diagnosis. I hope GT can bring your spirits up when you are ready to post and read. As for the other issue, until they remove you from the list, just try not to read any of the babble. I totally understand being a woman that can't have children and having to hear all the Mother's day stuff all the time. You just find something that brings you joy and hang onto that. Hope you feel better real soon.

[Houndmom]

Molly....I know the pain is terrible and at times seems beyond all repair...but believe those of us here when we say it will ease over time. I mentioned in an earlier response to another post that we lost 2 greys, my sheltie and the cat all in one year. Both my husband and I let ourselves believe that we were not meant/fit to have pets. That is not the case and everyone was very supportive about our losses, including our vets. Sometimes things just happen that are simply beyond our control. Grief can be very hard to manage and sometime it seems easier to make yourself feel worse than to try to make yourself feel better. Many of us have done this as well. I still shed tears for the fur-kids that have passed, but I now understand that they are tears of love and fulfillment more than they are just tears of grief. I do miss them terribly but I cannot change what has happened so I must focus on my current group and the commitment I have made to the adoption group I work with. Give yourself some healing time but don't give up on the greys or yourself. Whether you have loved one for 1 month or 10 years, they all need a safe and loving place to live out their retirement/lives. You have offered your home and heart to those that need you and that is a great honor. Keep reading posts here on GT. I have found that instead of making me feel worse they made me feel better because I knew that others felt this way and that there are many of us out there that feel the magic that greyhounds have brought to our lives...and our 4-legged companions in general.

 

Big hugs to you in hopes the pain will ease...

[bjnno1]

Time will help I know you can't replace him but there are other hounds out there that need and need to love too!

[Greytlady94]

Molly, I understand how devastating it is to lose a greyhound, we lost two in the same year, they were only 8 and 6. It took me several years to be able to adopt again. Since then, we have lost another last December, at age 11, her loss was also very sudden. I still cry, and am so sad when I read about anyone else losing their fur babies. The oldest of my four greyhounds now, is 11, and has had cancer. It scares me so, because I know she could go downhill at any time, and she is my heart hound. I don't know how I will cope with the pain when my Molly leaves me, but I will have to go on because there are other greyhounds who need my love. Grieve for as long as you need to, and in time, I know you will want to reach out to another. With your own diagnosis of RA, research, read, find out as much as you can, and seek a second, and even a third opinion if your doctor does not seem to be aggressive enough in treatment. I am a heart failure patient, my heart disease is not the normal clogged arteries kind, mine came from an infection that went to my heart. Had I stayed with my first cardiologist, I might not be here by now, but after him treating me for three years and I'm sitting in his office and he shakes his head and says "I had thought this would help you, but it's not", and he had no other options, I left his office, came home, got on the computer and found another cardiologist. This one has helped me with medication, but in addition to him, recently I was having problems with passing out, my doctor put me in the hospital, ran a bunch of tests, but after five days had nothing new to offer. I sought out an electrophysiologist who is a different type of cardiologist, and he did have another option for the passing out, so I go to both of them, and they are working in cooperation with each other. My reason for telling you all of this is to encourage you to be aggressive and take charge of your treatment for RA. Doctors are just people, they don't all know everything. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Guest marnie]

I am so very sorry about losing Ted and being diagnosed with rheumotoid arthritis. My Grandma was first diagnosed with rheumotoid arthritis when she was 34.

 

Molly you are in my prayers. Try to get some much needed rest. You will always have a place in your heart for Ted. Nothing can ease your broken heart but the passing of time.

Edited May 1, 2003 by marnie

[Guest shirl]

Oh (((((Molly)))))

I really want to reach out and just give you a huge hug from across the water, I am so, so sorry for how you are feeling just now.

Please, please look after yourself and come back soon

Edited May 1, 2003 by shirl

[Guest kats_n_greys]

Take care of yourself.

Edited May 1, 2003 by kats_n_greys