They say a mighty wind blows when a great soul leaves the earth. It blew all night here, so we couldn't sleep. Our beloved Lily left us yesterday at just before 5 PM. She suffered what we can only imagine was a stroke, and we decided to let her go. She was brave and warm until the end.
The first time we ever saw Lily, we looked at each other as if to say, "What are we getting ourselves into? This dog is enormous! She looks like a dinosaur!" We had recently lost Clarice and Oscar (DH) didn't believe that he could ever love a dog as much as he had loved her. Clarice was great in so many ways and he didn't believe that any dog could be as great as she was. Lily started educating him on the first day.
There are energy givers and energy takers. Although we love Birdie (our JRT) and Osorno (our lab), they are energy takers, constant work. Lily was the opposite. It was almost palpable, you could see it every time she met someone new. They would stroke her bunny soft fur and she would look into their eyes and they would always utter "wow" or "whoa." She had a kind, soft way about her that was impossible to not be captured by. Even Birdie, notorious for his venom and anxiety, found her to be a refuge. He loved her and trusted her more than he even trusts us. She just had her silent, strong, steady way. Completely unafraid. Never a trace of guilt. Never a thought of malice. Always honest, hopeful, happy. In all the moments we knew her (even through her cancer) she never exuded any negativity. From the moment she woke up in the morning (and woke us up, always SO happy to see us every day), to mealtimes (her absolute favorite time of day), to playing outside, going for walks.....happy. She was just happy to be with us. She required nothing of us. She just wanted US. No fuss. No special treats or toys. It wasn't about what we could give her or do for her, but about our very presence. She was happy in proximity and that was enough.
Lily started limping in July. We were praying for lyme disease when we scheduled the X-Rays. The day before her X-Rays I noticed a lump on her rear right leg. I squeezed it and she looked me right in the eye. I knew then what it was, what we always fear. The X-Rays confirmed it--osteo. We scheduled the amputation for four days later.
Four months and four chemo treatments later, we were cautiously hopeful. She seemed like her normal self, doing everything with gusto. Marching forward.
Christmas night we came home and she was panting and obviously uncomfortable. At first we thought bloat, but she didn't show any other symptoms other than panting. The vet confirmed our worst fears--the cancer had reformed in her abdomen. Inoperable. They sent us home with prednisone and tramadol, on borrowed time. A few weeks, maybe a month. We were lucky to have even that.
Yesterday, after a normal day, Lily tried to get up from a midday nap. I knew right away something was wrong--her head was tilted, her pupils dilated. She started whimpering, and kept trying to get up. I called my BIL, thank goodness he was home, he helped me get her into the car. I called Oscar at work and told him to meet me at the vet. We knew it was time. She left this life surrounded by people who loved her, who will love her forever, and who learned so much from her. We didn't get to spend as much time with her as we would have liked. Deep down, I always feared she'd die young--she was just so much. So much. Too much for this world. Enough to be an enormous good herself, and to make all of us better. To teach and to give and to leave us hoping we can somehow ever repay what she gave us. If we can even be half the soul she is, we will do do positive things in this life. And if we are good enough, if we remember and try enough, we might just be lucky enough to see her in the next. For where she is now, few are allowed.
